Upward and Forward

This past year, I have barely written…actually maybe last few years.  I have gotten pummeled by life on an emotional level and shut myself down so much that I didn’t want to write my truth for fear of hurting others.  But alas, the words are bubbling up as I have made a pact with myself to start spewing, no matter how good or bad.  My husband has shown he is stronger than I thought and in truth…more tolerant than he should have been.  But his steadfast faith in me has brought me to this point and I’m pretty sure he can handle what I may dish out.

I don’t know why life can’t just get easier…  Oh no… it has to keep throwing shit at you and if you are smart, you will learn to either duck and weave… or catch and throw back. Sadly, I am a slow learner, so I absorb and cry … A LOT!

This last two years I have taken on a lot of responsibility in meeting a shit ton of new people while taking on an expensive hobby that could possibly kill me if I make a wrong turn… I wouldn’t be the first and I won’t be the last.  But in this journey of meeting all these new people and juggling all their personalities etc, I have misjudged some.  (this is where words could hurt if they knew who they were).  I have been blasted by a good few over the duration; I have been blamed for their sadness, I have been accused of actually trying to hurt people on purpose … and I never saw ANY of it coming.  Literally the nicest people on earth cut me to the quick and blamed me for their demise… And here I thought I was just trying to be a nice person, have a good time and live my best life.  I never had any of their ill interest at heart; rather thought we were good friends … This broke me…

Now if it had happened once, I could have rebounded quickly…. but it’s happened time and time and time again and every single time I didn’t see it coming.  The signs were all different for each situation, but the blindsiding was exactly the same.

This has made me take pause and reflect… I mean, I’m the common denominator here so what did I actually do?  And the answer I came up with every time was, “I didn’t do what THEY EXPECTED ME TO DO”… That’s it. They expected something of me that I had no idea I was expected to do… I disappointed them.  I didn’t think of them when I should have, only I didn’t know they wanted me to.  Because they never said anything beforehand… they just blasted me afterwards.  Three of them left the group and blamed me… ACTUALLY FOUR PEOPLE left and blamed me.

I failed their blind and deaf expectations.  I’m not even sure what to do with that?  How do you fix something you didn’t intentionally do? I let this shut me down …I have thought of running and hiding, but what would that do?  I’m not for everyone and these people made that abundantly clear.

In this dark time, I have had to remember that the other side of me writing is it does connect people with who I am which makes them comfortable to reach out and talk to me.  I have gained many friends and had many conversations with people I never would have otherwise talked with but for my writing.  I’m so grateful for that.  I knew when I was about 13yrs old that I wanted to write, but always found “a whole book” a little daunting, so I never tried.  When I started blogging and journaling “out” to people, I was surprised at the response.  I forget that others don’t share like I do and I underestimated the power of being vulnerable to the world.  Because of my writing I have found amazing friends and I’m so grateful for that.

SO… from this point on, I will continue my journey “on paper” and share my thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations that it may help anyone out there to know they are not alone.  I mean, that is the reason I started all this, so why I let people passively force me to abandon my passion is beyond me… alas that is part of the journey of life isn’t it?  Upward and forward we go…  I hope you enjoy the ride with me.  Don’t hesitate to reach out…you’re never alone….