I haven’t been writing consistently in quite a while. Many years back, I vowed to do a blog post a day…and I did… for a few years. It was easy, because I had stuff on my mind that was quick to “put to paper”… But somehow, I became a little disenchanted after a while as things didn’t progress in any way, so I took a break.
A bit later, I picked it back up and it was good for a while, but then I acquired a bit of a stalker and then another person used my writing against me which I just didn’t see coming, so I abandoned yet again…
Life is a journey of ups and downs, and it ebbs and flows with time. Life is rarely perfect, but if you learn to appreciate the moments in life, it will give you the power to keep moving forward and that is the end goal.
What I have found over time is that when I am not writing, I am not growing and in some cases, not healing. I use writing as a way to process my life and my emotions, thereby promoting healing as I grow. I have also learned that I will be judged by some on some level for better or worse no matter what I write. That one has been a hard pill to swallow at times, but it has not stopped me completely from doing what I love.
What life has taught me is that there are times you have a large gaping wound that will start to heal and then something rips it open again, so the process of healing has to start over … and sometimes you just lack the strength to continue.
In recent years, there have been a few gaping wounds that oozed out and were too painful to address or come to terms with. My brain didn’t have the strength to process, so I went in to a bit of withdrawal or survival mode… Withdrawing from many things that used to bring me joy – and surviving my business, one client at a time, praying they didn’t realize I was crying on the way to their session, or the way home after. I never want my clients to know what is going on in my life to the point that they doubt me, because my single most goal in my business, is to make my clients feel like they are the most important thing during their session … and they are!! For me to even write this is very uncomfortable.
What I have learned is that while life is throwing punches at you, you still have to dust yourself off and keep going. What I have learned is that you will be dealt hands that you never saw coming and you will have to duck and weave to deal with them and pray you have the strength to not buckle under the pressure. What I have learned is there are times you just feel like giving up, but you still have to make a plan to move forward no matter how little your steps. What I have learned is people will inevitably show you a side of them you never saw coming and you will have to decide how you want to respond …and I have learned that the fallout may take other friends away that you didn’t see coming … and that is okay. If they choose to go…LET THEM! If they were meant for you, they will stay.
The last is what I am dealing with now… and it sucks. It’s been a long year + and I finally feel like I might be coming out the other side, but it’s gonna take some time.
I have learned you can hide in public. I learned that a smile can make you a chameleon. I learned that you can recover from dehydration from tears. I learned that there are people who can see through your smile and realize you are in turmoil. I have learned that if you surround yourself with people who believe in you, they will be the literal strength that carries you through and pulls you out the other side. I have learned that even though you make the right decision, it can still hurt like a son of a bitch … but knowing you are headed in the right direction will help to give you the roadmap to healing no matter how slow. There is no timeline on grief. We all process at different speeds and healing can’t be rushed. And even as you heal, there will be moments of pain and tears along the way… it comes in waves… let that shit be okay!
I have said this before, and I will say it again … when you realize that youth is wasted on the young, you are officially old and wanna flick any kid in the head who wants to hurry and grow up too fast!
Don’t get me wrong…I wouldn’t change a thing from where I am at. I am me because I am the sum of all that I have experienced in my life. And I have helped many along the way for all the painful moments I have lived through. I take nothing back. I’m not proud of it all, but if it helps another grow then it will have served its purpose and I’m okay with that.
The greatest gift I have been given this last year from my friends is the gift of grace. I’m not deserving but I am grateful beyond words. I am humbled and I will never forget. None of us are perfect and I have tears as I write. Our trials help us to grow to another level (which should make me King Kong by this time…) But instead I’m just a girl who is grateful for the amazing people in her life. (and if you are reading this you are probably one of them).
Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Life is literally a process. It doesn’t get easier, but if you approach it correctly, the tools you acquire along the way will help you process better and those tools will help you to heal and grow. Don’t get stuck … just keep moving. And do your best to surround yourself by amazing people who will help you grow… if you keep looking backward you will be stuck… the rear view mirror in a car is small for a reason … what you look at behind you is meant to disappear eventually… drive at your own pace…