Bi Polar Day

Yesterday was a whole ass bi-polar day.  The last few days I have been struggling with a knot in my stomach (aka anxiety) and it’s been building.  This time of year is hard regardless, but with what I have been through this year, including but not limited to a few losses of loved ones) it’s not surprising.

Yesterday I was minding my own business, getting errands done and shopping for an upcoming event. Everything was fine as I stopped at the first store and made friends with the people in the very long line, had a jolly time.  I decided I needed a few things at another store and on my way over, about a mile from my destination, the emotions in my stomach wouldn’t hold anymore and they started working their way up… I tried to divert my attention that I may be able to push it down a bit, but there was no stopping this one… As I pulled into the parking lot of the mall, and started weaving my way through the people to get to a spot to park, I had to turn around and go to the farthest most remote location in the parking lot and have a whole ass meltdown.  I couldn’t stop the tears, I was ugly crying from my feet to my eyebrows, everything inside me was coming out through the tears in my eyes and my guttural cries… I was hugging the squirrel stuffed animal (Jeep mascot) so hard, I thought its head would pop off.

There was a bus just off to the side of me, the driver was taking a break, I was so fearful they would see me to come check on me I crouched down further into my seat so as not to be seen.  I didn’t want or need intervention at this time, I just needed to let it out… I cried so long, my face was tingling from the activity of it all.

I could pinpoint where some of it was coming from, but the truth is, I think I am so disconnected from my feelings from pushing them down, that I just had to go with the process.

I am the QUEEN of compartmentalization… The day my mom died, I had a photoshoot and my client was none the wiser as I shot their session.  I wasn’t going to post anything on social media, but as I have 4 siblings and they were posting and tagging me, I had to make mention of it. So after the session as I pulled into my driveway, my clients mother called and said, “I had no idea your mom died, you should have told us and rescheduled our session”.  I told her that I didn’t want her to know, that her daughters session was important to me and in truth took my mind off things for a bit.   This is in fact the truth…

But the question is… what did I do with those feelings?  Now, I’m not discounting my moms passing, but I’m also older and have seen how life works.  I lost my dad 23 years ago and was by his side when it happened.  My mom was awesome.  She wasn’t perfect, but she took life with a grain of salt and her sayings will be in my head for the rest of my life… But her death was imminent and I had time to process it as she declined. I was also blessed to be surrounded by siblings and family who helped carry the burden, that I had time to process things in my own right…. That said, I have barely cried since her passing… Even gave her eulogy which is never easy….

Aside from that, this year has been a challenge on other levels and my head hasn’t processed much of it, so I think yesterday was just the tipping point of everything…So I gave into the tears. I texted a friend who gave me wonderful support and then took a drive into the canyon to be in nature and let my soul just settle… I sat in the canyon for about an hour and it helped so much that I really didn’t want to leave… but my day still had to carry on, so I came home and did some work and then laid down for a few… I was completely drained…

As I lay on my bed I get a call from someone I hadn’t heard from in years and in fact figured we might not be talking again!  Not for any other reason than life pulling us in different directions… I literally answered the phone with, “Is this REALLY YOU?” … he laughed…

We talked for over an hour.  I told him I thought I would never hear from him again.. He told me that he follows all my posts and feels like we are “caught up” and thinks about me all the time.  I said, “Well it would be nice to actually have reciprocation in writing somewhere, because I figured you were over me” and he laughed…

This man has no idea that this very conversation was what I needed to pick me up, set me right and start moving toward healing myself.  (crying as I write)…

He’s spent time alone and read a lot and shared some nuggets of wisdom that he has NO IDEA was exactly what I needed to hear.  I have always adored this man, and he knows it… he was Aspens main dance coach, and helped shape her into the beautiful dancer she became.  And as any sport is mostly mental; he was the voice in her head… and inadvertently mine as well.  He has a wonderful gift of seeing into people and finding their weakness and turning it into a strength.. and he did that for me yesterday, lifting me from the ashes of my tears and elevating me to desire to reach new heights.  And if you are reading this DJ… you know I love you to pieces…

I have been called thin skinned many times in my life; and many more times in this year alone.  But my gift from God is that he surrounded me with people who won’t let me stay down for long.  I’m not a strong person, but I’m someone who has no problem crying on the shoulders of others who will hand me a tissue, then put on their size 11 boots to kick me in the ass when needed.  THAT is where I am blessed.

I know people who are stuck in victim mentality and they don’t know how to turn it around.  They were there when we met and they are still there now, not realizing they can make the shift whenever they choose.  Life is a ball of energy.  We really can manifest what we want in life if we put our energy toward pulling us forward… It literally comes down to where we put our thoughts… If you say, “I’m trying to lose weight”…your energy ball will always be stuck “trying”… However, if you say, “I’m losing weight”, that is way more active energy….

I know I’m a little stuck right now, but I am moving forward. This year has been a shit show of ups and downs, but as I reflect back, I am literally standing because of the support around me.  I keep trying to tell people, “You are NOT alone in this world”. We are never alone…  I have found with my writing that when people read my words, it gives them an avenue to connect with me.  I know I’m not like everyone else and in truth, I’m constantly surprised when people reach out to me telling me how my words helped them because they felt alone.  I also know that my writing makes me a target for personal attack and those moments hit me hard, because it’s personal… but more often than not, I’m told I help, so I will continue to write my vulnerabilities and be the butt of jokes as it were so that I may help even one person.

Two people in my life whom I would not likely be friends with told me they reached out to me because they new I was safe… My soul was fulfilled and it is for “those people” that I will not stop what I am doing.

Thank you to all who lift me up.  We are never alone! I love you all!