So, the big joke is the holidays are hard.  Okay…NOT a joke…a reality.

Last night I was chatting with a friend and I said something that surprised me.  I said, “I think the holidays kind of suck.  They are full of ideals and empty promise.”

And after the words came out, I paused for a moment and re-evaluated what I said.  I didn’t iterate that I was rethinking it to my friend; but I was.  And to me the holidays do suck.  All the build up and then what?

After I left, I thought, “Gosh; where did that come from?”  And then I realized that it was Thanksgiving weekend that my sister and I were at the Dr. Appt with my dad when I heard the Dr. say, “We saw a MASS on your pancreas and a spot on your liver“…………..

At the time, I didn’t get what that meant.  I had never been touched by cancer and I didn’t realize what was ahead.  But to this day, I will NEVER forget the look on my dads face when the doctor uttered those words……..

He knew!

I didn’t know it at the time, because I was too naive. But the doctor had just delivered my dads death sentence.  He wasn’t actually diagnosed at that time; it was just a suspicion.  But I’m sure the Doctor knew, and I’m darn well certain my dad knew too.  Within weeks, we would have the diagnosis (pancreatic cancer) and within a few short months we would be laying my dad to rest.

And it all started with Thanksgiving…..

I live my life in hindsight.  I say it all the time.  And the truth is – if I truly knew what was to be expected, I would more often than not, buckle to my knees and never recover.  I have created this protective layer that doesn’t allow me to look forward.  My anxiety begs for it; but my self-preservation denies it.  And I have to be okay with that, because though some may think I am strong and brave…..I’m only human like the rest.

When Thanksgiving comes, I do acknowledge what I am thankful for.  Because there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for something.  But I also mourn.  And until I spoke to my friend, I really didn’t realize my animosity towards the holidays.  Not that they were every truly great.  They really are filled with ideals and many times empty promise.  But I realize now that this holiday; Thanksgiving, was the beginning of the end for me.  And I’m not really thankful for that.

I am thankful for the fact that I feel my dad around me.  And I do realize that life takes its course.  But what it’s all made me do is question how important we make these holidays and what exactly is so important about them?  We should honestly be thankful every single day for the things we have.  Whether it’s a hug, a smile, or a moment of understanding.  And I would like to say from the bottom of my soul, that I am that person.

But I am human.  And I have my moments.  And the moment with my friend was one of shame and sadness that I let an event dictate my whole future.

I can’t change what happened.  No matter how much I wish, or how much I pray.  It will never change what I now know.  But my reality today is a far cry from what it was then.  And for me, I have to realize that THAT is what I am thankful for.

Yes, I may live in hindsight. And yes, it may be a coping mechanism.  But it works for me and keeps me somewhat sane.  TOTALLY Frustrated…but sane.

I’m sorry to my dad that I didn’t realize what was happening 13 years ago.  But, Dad –  I think you would have it no other way.  And for that; I’m thankful!!!  I love you and miss you and will be remembering you and all your love this Thanksgiving!

Happy Wednesday……