I feel like the last month of my life has been full of chaotic energy.  My patience for people is down to zero.

I do my best to stay in contact with people and keep tabs on those I feel need a mental boost.  I have always been this way.  Only recently, I feel like my efforts have totally backfired and as a result, I’m walking away from friendships because I am just so fucking tired.

I won’t lie…I have made mistakes in life.   I think we all have.  But I worked hard to ask for forgiveness and done my best to do the work necessary for healing.  And the truth is, I’m not healed at all.  What I have found is there are deeper seeded issues that I have to work on that have haunted me from childhood.  I buried them so long, but they have come to haunt me a few times in my life and I’m realizing they will never go away until I face my shortcomings and figure out how to heal and grow from them.

The sad part in all this is I have to honestly evaluate the relationships around me and see if they are still in my best interest.  I’m starting from the outside and working my way in.  My goal is to get to the point I realize my purpose in this life and start to be able to actually live my best life.

I remember years ago, I worked a job with a lady and we had a great relationship. One day we were eating lunch together and I told her I felt so blessed because I had the best friends of my life!!  Without missing a beat she said, “Oh honey, this too shall pass!”… I almost choked on my lunch, but I took pause and looked at her and realized that this lady was in her 70s and had lived MANY seasons of her life.  I took her words to heart (after I talked myself down from being insulted) and as the seasons of my life have changed many times since, I feel the wisdom in what she said to me that day.

My Mom always said, “This too shall pass”… I hated it but mostly because she was right.  The sad thing is, the “this” can sometimes be good and other times be bad, but they all pass.

Life ebbs and flows and you just have to learn to roll with it as the years of your life unfold.

In the last couple of years I have had an existential crisis going on in the background of my life.  I have really struggled with who I am and what I am meant to be.  I have cried more in the last two years than the sum of my whole life.  If I could find healing in the miles I have driven to clear my head, I would have been healed a thousand times… alas that is not the case.

I wish it were an easy roadmap to healing, but it would appear that most of us would be healed in a heartbeat if given the chance.  Sadly, it’s a spaghetti pull to see which noodle it might be and more often than not, it’s the wrong noodle. (weird analogy but you get the drift).

That said, as life goes on, the more exhausting it is and the less capacity for issues that are optional.  I’m not a perfect person, and am usually the first to throw myself under the bus when I screw up; and I’m made fun of often because I’m so transparent.  What I have found is that in many ways, I don’t respect my own self, so I hang myself out to dry like a piñata for others to hit.  And my bruises are just a few too many of late and I don’t want to be hit anymore.  So I am currently in withdrawal mode, trying to “do the work” to figure my shit out so I can come back stronger than I was.

While I was so busy attending to other peoples mental health, I forgot to check on my own.  And in the process, I quit writing which is a component of my healing.   And I quit writing because I didn’t want to let anyone see my weakness.

All my life I looked to others who needed help, so basically I have been attending to everyone but me.  And what do they say about gardens… while you are helping someone else’s garden to grow, who’s watering your own flowers?

So that leads me to this… I have my watering can and I’m ready to start watering.  My garden is currently brown and limp … She needs some love and I’m the one for the job.

I will start writing again, even if it’s garble-de-goop … I will put “pen to paper” (as it were) and start documenting for better or for worse.
I have already made some positive changes, albeit small ones… I have cut my alcohol consumption by about 80-90%.  And if you know me that’s actually pretty damn good.  I have started exercising to get my strength back, so my baby steps have already started… Hopefully I can right the damage within myself to grow quickly, but I will take it day by day.  All I ask is for people to be patient … I have a lot of noodles to go through and I can only tackle one at a time…

wish me luck..