Do you ever feel like the universe is talking to you? Like, you keep getting the same message over and over in different ways and when you hear it, you get choked up, but don’t really know why??
Well, I kind of got smacked in the face and I need to acknowledge and proceed accordingly.
As a parent, you go through different stages. Your first stage is absolute wonderment and awe…. You can’t believe that you have been blessed with a miracle creature that is so perfect and beautiful…..
And then slowly, reality starts creeping in and the awe gives way to fatigue and brain fog.
Eventually, it gives way to the day to day routine of finding out who these little creatures are and from time to time, you are still filled with wonder, and on many occasions, disbelief that you created something so perfect, precocious, funny, determined and did I mention…BRILLIANT!!! (isn’t that what we all say about our kids?)
The stages change and you adjust accordingly as they grow trying to create that perfect balance of teaching, protecting and letting them stretch their wings. There are so many phases of wonderment that you revel in the victories of your amazing child rearing skills…. Now, YOU are the one who is brilliant and damn it feels good!!!
……..and then they become teenagers……
Suddenly, the wonderment gives way to yet another form of fatigue and brain fog. Your joys of teaching have now given way to hours of arguing, debating and being told you are an idiot! (but wait…we were just BRILLIANT last year…what HAPPENED??)
‘Tis a crazy ride my friends…. Those tiny creatures that you used to stare at with awe…. you now stare at with awe…..
Teen years are REALLY stretching the wings and REALLY pushing the boundaries and it seems that the conversations NEVER END as you are trying to explain to your child that their decisions could have heavy consequences if they choose poorly.
Instead of encouraging, you are now a yellow construction sign that says “Warning Ahead, proceed with caution”.
And you are back to exhaustion and brain fog.
Recently I was watching an episode of 20/20’s “What would you do?” where they create scenarios with actors and wait to see how anyone in the public responds.
One scenario was a dad who was playing the coach on a team and his “son” lost the game, so he gave ice cream to all the kids except his son, saying, “We don’t reward LOSERS!” And explains to the child that since he lost the team the game, he won’t get ice cream.
It’s VERY uncomfortable to watch….
But we’ve all been there, haven’t we? We hold our kids to high standards and we expect them to rise to the occasion and just magically make it happen! And when they fall short, we as parents do the best we can by explaining the consequences and then discipline accordingly……
Though I’m not sure I have been THAT harsh, I certainly have failed as a parent on many occasions I’m sure and so to see this made me tear up a bit.
Thankfully, on the show, this man standing behind the kid and felt the need to act. But he did it in a way that brought me to tears…
The guy walks up and puts his hand on “dad’s” shoulder and said, “Please…PLEASE buy your kid an ice cream. We all make mistakes in life. He’s a kid. Life is hard enough. He’s gonna learn that lesson eventually and he’s gotta know ‘I can count on my dad to be my anchor.’ You’re the most important part in his life. Buy him that ice cream and make him feel ‘I got the greatest dad in the world’. ”
…..I can count on my “parent” to be my anchor!!! That sentence smacked me in the face.
I’d like to say I’m an anchor, but much of the time I feel more like a buoy….
I’m so tired of the talks, and the arguments and the debates……that I forgot to be the anchor…..
We can’t “learn” these lessons for our kids, they do have to learn for themselves. We won’t always be there. And when it matters enough to them, they will take the time to understand what they need to know. And they will suffer their own consequences of the choices they make.
That story was ONE message from the universe. This morning I got up and saw a post on facebook that seemed to be shouting to me….. It was a post that said, “9 things you should say to your kids every day” ….and here is the list….
1. I LOVE YOU
2. I Like it when you….. (and give them positive attributes)
3. You make me happy! (harder to say in the teenage years, but not impossible) This makes them feel “valuable”
4. I’m PROUD of you!!! (though they need to be proud of themselves as well and not always look to external sources to fill them up, but you are their parent and should be proud)
5. You are Special (embracing their uniqueness)
6.I trust you (again…it’s a stretch in teenage years but may help in building a good foundation)
7. I believe in you (sometimes we need to be that extra push)
8. I know you can do this (encourage them to try)
9. I am grateful for you (again, bringing value to who they are).
Now, whether you buy in to any of this or not, I think it’s important to understand that when we have kids (or spouses for that matter), we tend to get jaded by who they are and all the repetitious behavior that we come to literally expect from them. And that can cause a situation of constant talking down to…. or at least, this is what I have found by this universal smacking in the face.
What I realized is that I have forgotten to be KIND to my children. To expect them to do GOOD!!! I’ve gotten to the point that I condemn them in my mind that they won’t listen and they won’t do what I ask or what I hope they know they should do for themselves……
And the bottom line is, if you encourage them to do well, and continue to be their anchor, they are more likely to rise to the occasion than if you are to talk down to them in a condescending manner of “I already know you will fail!”
I felt bad today as I sent my daughter off to a 6 hour practice, knowing full well, she’s not in her best shape from having a broken foot (a few months since released from the doctor) and not much dance time in between. I sent her expecting her to fall a bit short.
Only, when I picked her up, she told me that it went beyond her expectations and that she was able to do what the teacher asked of her and she got compliments and gave her all and was so excited when I picked her up.
My kid deserved more from me and the only one who fell short was her mother.
Lesson learned….
I need to change my angle and celebrate my kids a bit more and condemn them a bit less. I shall also throw in a bit of trust and top it with some praise, sprinkled with support.
We ARE the anchor for the children. We can be a light anchor that lets the boat float around a bit… a solid anchor that holds things in place, or an overbearing anchor that pulls the ship down.
Take a step back and examine how you have been talking to your kids. If you find that you are continually frustrated with them maybe it’s time to swap anchors.
Learn to guide and not to conquer.
Life is a continuing journey. Not only for the kids. But the parents too…..
Peace out
Mom of two grown ass girls and married to a short guy who is funny and cooks really well! I’m a photographer by trade, so you can say I’m a bit “peopley”. My favorite sessions are the one on ones where I just get to chat and find out about my clients. I’m blessed with what I get to do every day! Blessed by the support of my husband and kids, and blessed by the ongoing support and encouragement of my friends who are always lifting me up.