To parents of babies and littles…

As a mom, I’m part of mom pages on FB.  Moms will post about everything from triumphs, to frustrations, to PSA’s to recommendations.

But sometimes they ask these groups for advice and I find myself scratching my head….

Not that they are asking for advice…but that they (for the most part) don’t know who they are getting advice from, and may even find need to follow the “support”… no matter how detrimental it may be…

The responses to some of the posts I have found can be a bit alarming….

Let’s take one post that comes up from time to time… “I want to leave my husband, what do you ladies think?”

I see answers across the board and it’s SO CONFUSING… but I will never understand a human being who’s immediate response is, “You should leave!” …….(scratching my head)….

BASED ON WHAT EXACTLY???

Why on earth would you tell a momma with 3 kids to leave the relationship.  What EXACTLY do you know about the relationship?  I didn’t see the word “ABUSIVE” in the story… Just “Selfish, whiny, complaining, dream killer”….  Yes sounds “bad”.. But the posting mama never went into specifics, so I beg to ask the question to the advice of “You should LEAVE” ….. “Based on WHAT?  WHY would you have this mama and her three babies leave a daddy who wants his wife to stay home with the kids to raise the properly, while he brings home the bacon?”

I understand that social media is a place to vent.  If you know ANYTHING about me….you know EVERYTHING about me!  But I also know which advice to ask for and that whatever answers I get, I can take them with a grain of salt!  Not everyone can do that!  Some ride the glory train of thinking “If I leave, I will be HAPPY….THEY SAID IT WILL BE SO!”

Now, I’m not criticizing this mom for asking advice.  Sometimes it REALLY feels good to know you are not alone.  But my response to her was a bit more objective:

What would his opinion be about you?
Have you communicated with him? I think asking here is not the best place because people who don’t even know you will pull the trigger and say “Just divorce him” without knowing all the details!!
And once you start talking divorce you’re now talking about dividing the kids, dividing the homes, fighting over child-support or whether or not the dad will spend time with the kids and now you were in a different form of hell. Always best to try and reconcile first. Your children are so young that it is way stressful to try and maintain a healthy relationship between mom and dad. There were a good few times I wanted to divorce my husband as well but not because he cheated on me, it was just because I was unhappy and stressed out. But it turns out he was also stressed out because he was funding the whole house and if anything happened to him his whole family fell. Now that our daughters are teenagers he is my best friend and we are a great family together. But we worked through it. Please consider counseling and patience.

I’m not saying I have the BEST advice…but I do know that her complaint was only ONE SIDE of the story!  I also know that when my kids were little and I lost my corporate identity that I worked so hard toward, that I felt lost, alone confused, frustrated, abandoned at times and really, REALLY tired…

I wanted to leave at least a few times when my kids were little.  Not because my husband cheated, or did anything that was a deal breaker… but because it was all new to both of us and we were both tired and trying to figure it out and our frustrations got the best of us and we took it out on each other….for a good few YEARS!

When I was having moments of weakness, I was fortunate enough to have my mom and his parents to talk to.  I did it without his knowing because I just wanted some sound advice.  I was able to grab from their wisdom and see things differently.  I also got some good advice from a counselor who said, “My marriage has lasted because I have never turned AWAY from it”.  The second you turn away from your partner, you let a whole lot of unknowns in…

I don’t know the true circumstances for the FB mama.  I do believe she feels lost and empty and she has three kids all under the age of 4.  I hope that she can turn into her marriage and communicate her way through.  I know that for my relationship, our communication has brought us closer together and we talk less because we understand more now.

Raising babies is so much stress.  You have the pressure of creating this creature and making it as perfect as can be with all the critical eyes of the world watching and judging you.  There’s so much pressure to get them into the right school, make sure they are involved in the extracurricular, make sure they are good students and smart and abiding kids…that they get into a good college and that they are upstanding citizens of the world….

Ya….no stress there….

For many, the marital relationship takes a back seat.  Each parent is looking for moments of solace and angry if the spouse is home 10 minutes late from work because they “Get” to go to work… (that whole argument is a blog in and of itself).

Now that our kids are older we are having a lot more time on our hands…and that’s a whole NEW world of finding ourselves and our new roles… I look back at those times that almost ended our marriage and I’m so glad I turned my husband into my partner and best friend.  We worked hard to get here….

The bottom line is this… No one ever said it would be easy…but it CAN be worth it…if you do the work and get to the other side.

Deal breakers in relationships are always deal breakers, so that is not what I refer to at all… Most of which what I refer to is the broken down, tired, neglected parents who need to take a break…find each other…and remember why you got married…

Don’t be so quick to throw in the towel.  Go in for another round and work toward being a team before you leave the ring….