Teach your teens about “friends”

I have such a hard time holding my tongue when teenage girls talk about their floundering friendships.  Part of me wants to scream, YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS AS A TEENAGER!!!

The psychological warfare that happens in the teen years should be listed on “warfare” issues in america.  Yet for many it goes undetected, and for others it’s a devestating tale of what not to do.

I tell my kids all the time that “You train people how to treat you based on what you accept from their behaviors!”  If they treat you like crap and you take it, you have let them know it’s okay to do so!  But if you put your foot down when things aren’t acceptable, then they will learn they can’t get much by you and change how they treat you (or leave you because they can’t control you and GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM!)!

Sadly, at the teen stages of life, self esteem isn’t fully developed and much of it is based on friendships acquired through school.  They don’t know when someone is being passive aggressive (let alone what passive aggressive is) so they just accept what is offered them, as long as there are apologies, and move on.

But what happens is, with each ill action that is handed to them, they develop a sense of worth (or worthLESS) based on what they know.

So if a friend treats them badly, but they apologize,  and apologies are accepted, the friendship moves forward with an “all is okay” attitude …until it happens again.

And pretty soon, the apology IS the relationship, and the bad behavior is ignored because the offending party (who will continue to offend) said, “Sorry” and so all is supposed to be “okay”.

But what happens is, the “offended” party learns that it’s okay if they are slapped in the face (so to speak) as long as it comes with an apology…..

But is it Okay???

And, what is to be gained here?

Let me say again….. “WE TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US BASED ON WHAT WE WILL PUT UP WITH FROM THEM”

We need to talk to our teenagers about what is to be accepted.  I know of far too many teens who are putting up with sub-par behavior because they don’t want to lose their “friends”….when the truth is, they aren’t friends to begin with.

Sadly, kids don’t know the art of communication.  So they work through passivie aggressive behavior.  Below are a list of passive aggressive behaviors as quoted by Andrea Harrn:

Some examples of passive aggression might be:

Non-Communication when there is clearly something problematic to discuss

Avoiding/Ignoring when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly

Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand

Procrastinating intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones

Obstructing deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change

Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something

Ambiguity Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations

Sulking Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.

Chronic Lateness A way to put you in control over others and their expectations

Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disrespect and disregard for others to punish in some way

Fear of Intimacy Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship

Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for not doing things

Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one

Self-Pity the poor me scenario

Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.

Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves – deliberately doing a poor job of something for which they are often explicitly responsible

Communication is an ART people…. it’s super hard and it’s a leap of faith that the other party with whom you are speaking, understands and is accepting of the terms and conditions of the acceptance of your friendship!

Even into my mid 40s I’m still having these conversations with friends.  But I’m much wiser for the wear of my life than an inexperienced teen who doesn’t even understand their actions!

Please talk to your teens about what to accept and how to deal with this passive aggressive behavior.  Please teach your kids that they are better off losing friends than going to bed each night crying themselves to sleep!

Teen years are full of uncertainty and fear.  Too many people are content to live with a bad decision than no decision at all.  Children need standards and deserve to know that they deserve the best!

I have had both my kids in situations where other kids called the shots.  I had to tell them that other people aren’t allowed to control them, that THEY can make up their own minds.  We don’t have to leave the decision of a bad relationship in the hands of another.  WE have the right to make a CHOICE for OURSELVES, even if that means cutting ties with a supposed friend!  WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!!

Please continue to talk to your kids about bad behavior and making sure they have proper standards for themselves in who they choose to be their friends.

WE TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US!  Train them to treat you well and to respect you as a person.  Just make sure you respect yourself first!