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gaining the Covid 10, then 15, then 19 and more from there but I quit counting. This week I decided to get out and walk as much or little as possible but just freaking WALK!!
It’s amazing to me the emotional roller coaster these last 10 months have been…It was, for the most part a quiet battle, but a battle nonetheless… That said… I know how hard it is for some people to reach out and admit they are struggling for fear that they will look weak or that the honesty will transform someone else’s opinion of them. I’m thankful that I have no problem holding back. And though I have iterated my struggle with anxiety, I have found an underlying bit of depression in there as well. There were days I didn’t want to get up, or days I would just sit on facebook (shocker, I know), to just pass the time and get the day over with.
In the last months, I have struggled with a vision for myself, just getting by every day, happy if I just did the dishes (which would sometimes sit for a few days… and I didn’t care. It’s hard to move forward when you have no vision for yourself and no promising future or goals to achieve. I tried to put my health first, but in all honesty, I feel this last month I was on a total path of self destruction. Bad food, bad sleep, no exercise…The more I did that the easier it became to do.
The hardest thing to do when you are depressed on ANY level is to get yourself up in the morning. My wake up times became later (but so did my sleeping times).
For anyone who knows anything about our family (which is basically EVERYTHING if you read my posts), you know hubs is vegan. And I’m not… He’s losing weight and I’m gaining… Nothing like having a mirror in front of your face on the daily to show you how you are failing at life…
All that said, I let myself go. I let myself wallow. I let myself take the path of least resistance. It’s now January of 2021 and so far I have been very blessed. I have been blessed by family, and clients and friends.
I took a look back at 2020, and really focused in on our family and friends and I found the truth. If I take out all the bad news from around the world…the divisiveness, the unfriending, the isolation…we did REALLY WELL!! Not financially per se, but as a family unit (immediate family that is…don’t get me started). While stuck home with my husband and kids, yes we had emotions, but we always had food (and toilet paper …again, don’t get me started). We had a home and electricity and a bed and our senior doggies who reminded us that as long as we were there, all was good in the world. I had friends who still hugged me and I had times with friends with laughter and appreciation. True, it has sucked that our travel plans were canceled, but our mortgage was paid. My husband still makes us laugh and he has honed his cooking skills to impressive levels.
And though much of it has sucked because when I see people, I don’t always know how to act…truth is we all respect each other and for that I am so grateful.
Last night again, I went outside late at night, I looked up to the stars and I prayed for our country. I prayed for health, I prayed for healing, I prayed for inner peace in those that are fearful. I thanked God for all the graces he has bestowed upon us and I’m so thankful to the friends who reach out to me on the daily, be it facebook, text or call. I’m thankful I can deliver ding dong ditch cookies and not absorb all that inventory on my backside. And I’m thankful to those who have reached out in need that I could somehow help. I have made new friends through this and they have helped me as well!
To that end, I’m glad to say that according to my apple watch, I have gotten in 20.89 miles so far this week. With each day I get in more active time I literally feel my brain shift from stuck to a mode of “possibility”. I walked today faster in time than I have in a while. I added an extra mile to todays walk because I was sure I could “squeeze it in” before my session. That success alone helped pull me forward in a way that makes me look forward to the next challenge. It’s baby steps, but my point in all this is, despite the challenges in the world around me, I have found that I can do my best to control MY world, a microcosm of which I have control.
So far we are 7 days in to 2021. And I can honestly say that so far…for me and my family, it’s been a blessed year. I need to work with that for now, because if I look farther around me, I might feel hopeless. And to be honest…I’m kind of over that feeling!!
Here’s to 2021… controlling the bits of your life that YOU can control!!!
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