Life in a moment

I have so much swirling through my mind.  Life has hit me square in the face with …. reality….

I hate reality.  When someone uses the word, “Reality” it’s seldom accompanied by anything good….

I have been walking around in a bit of a fog, wondering what purpose my life has; have I lived to my full potential (another word that I loathe),  or am I at least working toward it?

What is my potential? What am I here to do?  Am I making a difference anywhere?

I came home tonight and saw my neighbor in his garage.  It was dark so I walked over and announced myself and told him I just wanted a hug….  He happily obliged….

I walked in my house and started hugging on the hubs… He’s not a touchy-feely guy so he reciprocated as best he could… and then I moved to my daughter… Just wanted to take a moment to connect with her before she leaves for dance… The red head…. well, she was out the door for dinner with a friend with so much as nary a glance…  Not sure I’ll get a hug from that one….

The truth is, I just want to connect with people as much as possible right now.  I need to be present in the moment, and connecting is the key.

I lost a school mate this week; someone I have known since Jr. High…. and I feel punched in the stomach.  Tomorrow is her service. She was my age, she was a good person and she’s gone.

At this stage in my life, I will see this more and more.  And no matter how old I get, or how long I live, I will hate it EVERY TIME!

We don’t get a say in this life.  We get what we get.  We get “potential” and we get “reality”.

At these times I can’t help but reflect on my own life.  I’m pretty sure we all do.  We hear someone has passed…and for a moment….we pause. (and as I pause in this very moment, my red head, for WHATEVER reason is playing “My heart will go on”  from Titanic which makes me seriously wonder what the hell??) -random squirrel moment….

Sadly, I don’t think we pause enough.  Take into consideration what we have, what we are blessed with, and the fact that we have complete freedom of choice at any given moment of the day…. until we don’t.

My friend lost her freedom of choice.  She left her young son and her husband.  She didn’t want to. She fought until the end.  She kept us updated on her progress.  I messaged her days before she passed…  I had no idea it was our last communication.

So, today, I came home and hugged anyone who would have me.  Even my dogs are irritated with my extra affections…. but I don’t care.

Tomorrow we come together in her honor, and we say goodbye….full well knowing we have another day.  Another day for potential….another day for reality….

I will likely end up at the beach, listening to the waves and looking at the infinite sky and water line.  I will sit in silence without a clear thought in my head.  I will randomly ponder life…and death… I will think of my schoolmate who I spoke to just a short week ago and realize that life is fleeting.  Our moments count.  We get what we get and we don’t get anymore.

And we never know when that moment will come, so now is all we really have….

To you, sweet Pam…. You made a difference… you reached your potential.  You made your mark.  God bless you and your family!  You will be missed.