Do you ever wonder who you are? I know I do. My identity changes more often than I ever knew it would.
It was easy when I was a kid. No identity…. just a kid…
But as I got older and started seeing the difference between me and the other kids, I started questioning who I was.
How do we identify ourselves? What defines us? How do we tell people about ourselves unless we know what we are driven by in our lives.
That, in and of itself, is where the conundrum lies….
Over the course of my life, I have been a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, wife, mother, and that’s just my personal life. My jobs have been the other area where I am defined…. well…until I was a mom, that is…..
From the time I was in 6th grade, I had a job to help me describe myself. I delivered papers. First it was the Herald Examiner, with a whopping 7 customers… and later it was the Orange County Register with 55 customers. I was so proud to move up in the world by 7th grade….
After that it was pizza for a good few years, then after graduation a bank… and so on and so forth…. I worked my way up in the world.
When I got married, I was working at a large company where I was proud to say I represented them. Only, a few years after working there, I got pregnant, and left to be … (gulp)…. a mom…..
And just like that, I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was rough. The transition from being a self sufficient financially stable person, to a total dependent (on my baby daddy and husband) was the hardest transition I made. But after a few short years and another child…I settled in….. and started a photography business on the side….
I just couldn’t be just a mom anymore…I felt lost….
Business grew slowly and the kids grew fast… each phase of their lives impacted me one way or another. As it turned out, my business was built by them and around them. It was pretty awesome. I’m beyond grateful for all the opportunities afforded because of them. Things were constantly changing.
And now both my girls are teenagers…and the change is even faster and harder. And with it, taking the hit…is my identity….
One thing I have learned in life… the things I once complained about become the things I miss the most…my most cherished memories….
I had no idea how fast it would all change. As a parent, you are so engrossed in the muck and mire of it all that you don’t have time to stop and pause and appreciate.
And that…my friends…is the travesty……
Today was one of those “Punch in the stomach” moments, where I realized my role as a mom is less than what it was… Instead of being a part of something, I was just a vehicle for their participation in something with complete independence of myself.
It’s a great time in some respects… and totally devastating in others.
I realized today that the jokes on me. My desire for “Me time” has been delivered…. only the truth is, I didn’t totally prepare for it.
Today I realized that I need to roll with the punches and adjust to my newest role…which is driver to my kids, well, one kid anyway…the other drives herself. They need little from me and my heart feels lost.
It’s been a year of change and that’s not all bad. But I see that I am behind the game a bit and need to catch up and get it together.
As I was talking to a friend today, near tears… I told her this is a new time for more opportunities. I just need to open my eyes and heart to all that’s out there.
And though this sounds all “Woe is me”… I promise you, it’s not! This is life.
It’s a new season for me.
I’ll never forget the day I was working a part time job, and I was sharing break with a 74 year old FABULOUS woman; it was lunch time and I was telling her how I loved my life. I had the BEST friends and fabulous kids and all was right with the world… Her response, despite all my positivity hit home like a hi caliber rifle…. She simply said, “oh this too shall pass” …. I looked at her in complete bewilderment…but then soon realized that this was a woman who had seen many seasons of her life…and she appeared before me victorious of her circumstances.
If she can do it, I can too.
Life isn’t about what happens to you… it’s about how you roll with the punches along the way!
I will mourn the loss of what I had, but be thankful I had it. I will plan better and see things clearer as I understand life’s ever-changing path.
We aren’t promised decades….we are promised today. Make THAT count for something! Go with what you love… and make THAT your identity! And don’t get caught in the moment…because when you do, you may realize the train to your next destination just left the depot….