I’m sitting at my desk crying despite my efforts to stop.  I don’t know why it’s hitting me harder this year, but it is…  It’s been 19 years since my dad passed and I’m sitting here, hating today.    These stupid Hallmark holidays… I know they are intended to be great, but for those who are without…notsomuch…

I’m reminded how I took my dad for granted.  Not literally, but figuratively… I thought I would have him forever.  And I didn’t.  I lost him while I was 5 months pregnant with my first daughter.  He would never meet my children and know how awesome they are;  that I have a tiny but mighty blonde with big blue eyes and a quick wit that would make him chuckle for sure. Or, that I gave birth to a mini me who is putting me through all the trials I put him through.   He would get a kick out of that for sure. #karma

I don’t get to hear the stories of “I remember you at that age” or the advice that I so desperately need at times.

In a perfect world, he would be here.  But life isn’t perfect.  And here I sit, crying at my desk.  Quiet crying as the tears silently stream down my face.  I can’t even stop them….

But also as I sit here I realize this is my husband’s Fathers day.  And as the years go on between us, I become more grateful every year. He’s been here every day from dirty diapers, scraped knees, to all the firsts…

When my dad walked me down the isle, he passed the torch to my husband.  He gave his blessing to us with faith that we could do it.  And 20 years in….so far, so good.  And I’m grateful for every sacrifice that my dad has made for his family, as I watch my husband walking in his footsteps for his family.  I see the pressure on my husband and realize what my dad went through for us.  I see the dedication and loyalty that my husband has for us, because I saw the same in my dad.  And I know that not every person can say that about their dad or their husbands.  I know I am truly blessed!  My mom has reflected with me and made me realize so much about marriage and family and true sacrifice, she’s made me see how fortunate I am on so many levels.

I’m so thankful that I can truly appreciate what my husband does for his family because I saw it firsthand from my dad.  And truth be told, my husband has so many of my dad’s traits…some good…some notsogood.  But I’ll take it.  Hook, line and sinker, I’ll take it.  Because the love is in the acts of what he does for us on the daily.  And, he has to put up with my crap too.  There are days I don’t know how he does it.  But I’m grateful.

I wish I felt more like oozing joy, but there are just some days that hurt way too much.

To all those who have lost your dad, I’m casting a wide net of virtual hugs to each and every one of you!!!