crossroads

Every so often I find I withdraw a bit from life.  I’ve blogged about this before, so if you have followed my blog at all, this is a “ya ya yaaaa” post.  But I find that every time I get here, it’s for different reasons.

Recently over the last month I have had some things happen to me where I’m really questioning where I’m going in my life.  There is something about your 40s where you just don’t want to deal with drama anymore.  Life starts settling in; your mortality is thrown in your face on a regular basis and you really start wondering, “What do I want to put up with?” and “What’s really worth my time?”

I find it funny that in recent weeks, many things have hit me to make me question this more than ever.

To be honest, I think I am more wondering why I’m at this point.  At first I thought it was depression; because I just don’t want to deal with more than usual.

But as I talk to my girlfriends I realize that this is another season of our lives.  Many of my friends have hit the same stage, only with different situations.  Some have chosen to end their marriages, while others just refuse to engage in certain circles.

I’m not sure which extreme I am at, but I do know that I’m just too tired to care about things that want to suck the life out of me.  And as I get older it takes less to suck the life out of me.  And I come back to the same answers over and  over…. what deserves my time is my family and my closest friends.

This week I had something happen that affected a lot of people.  And it all started because I opened my mouth.  My inquiry was innocent enough, but the snowball that happened wasn’t really foreseen by me, and now we are in damage control/aftermath.

I went to the beach yesterday just to sit and sort things out in my mind.  And what I came to was this; 1.) My intentions were not malicious.  2.)My inability to cast forward in my brain is a real issue.  3.) My heart will hurt as long as it wants to hurt and no matter how I try to stop it, I have no control  4.) When my heart hurts I tend to withdraw like a hand burned on a stove.  and 5.) My friends still love me, because they understand what my intentions were when I opened my mouth.

I sat at the beach last night and played over the scenario as if my thoughts could undo any of it.  And though I know they can’t, I do realize that at this point, I can only stop myself sooner next time (because there is always a next time).

I’m a very slow processor.  I hit things from every angle to make sure I’m giving the right answer or making the right decision.  That said, if my impulse gets in the way, I’m screwed.

I got a call on the way home from a girl having an issue and she wanted “mom advice”.  I was honored and scared at the same time, because feeling like I did, I’m not sure I can steer anyone in the right direction.  However, I listened, and I questioned her on her issue.  In the end, she was very happy with my answer be honest, so I was I.  I was secure in my convictions in this situation.  …..because it’s not MINE!   I can fix anyone but myself.  I really do give great advice, because I can see everyone else objectively.  I don’t have to sift through their emotional crap like I do my own.

While dealing with my own stuff, I have all my life’s lessons and consequences staring me in the face making it harder to get through the muck and mire.

Her call came at a really good time. She has never called me for advice before, so this was completely out of the blue.  Before we hung up she told me I’m one of the coolest moms (which I really needed to hear).  Not for vanity, but just the fact that of all the people she knows – at this very yucky time for me when I’m doubting myself….she called ME for advice.  This means she really trusted me and it felt really great to know that.   It was a reminder that I AM trusted.  It was like the closure to my thoughts on what I was trying to put together in my mind.  She closed the gap on my doubt and I really appreciated that.

When I got home I was still pretty withdrawn and emotionally drained.  I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t.  Time will tell and as I tend to withdraw, I’m at the point that I’m kind of numb.

This too shall pass….but it sure sucks in the meantime.

Lesson learned, scars adhered…..

Happy Saturday