Changing seasons of life

Lately I feel lost.  Yep…I said it… LOST!!!

My whole life I had some sort of purpose or goal to work toward and now I find myself sitting back on heels and saying,  “What the hell happened?”

Life is full of twists and turns, and I know the ride isn’t over yet.  But as I’m sitting at THIS phase of my life, I’m realizing I need to start doing some fancy dancing to figure out what’s next.

What am I talking about, you ask?  Well… My kids are both in high school and I’ve been rendered pretty ineffective with a lot more time on my hands… And I wasn’t ready for it.

In years past I complained about the busy schedule of driving here and there and never having time for myself.  Kids always needing this and that and there were days I could barely catch my breath.

I have a business that keeps me plenty busy, but even with that I’m feeling a little “winds of change” happening as I stand back and start asking myself, “What are you gonna do with this?  Grow bigger, stay status quo….or walk away for something else….”  Seems like everyone I know has a camera anymore, so if I lay down my camera, the next eager person will be standing right behind me to take my job.  I could fight for my right, but the bottom line is we ALL have a right and some are faster than others… so I need to regroup there….

I have worked since the sixth grade where I eagerly signed up to deliver papers for the Herald Examiner.  I had 7…count them, SEVEN subscribers around my neighborhood who relied on me EVERY DAY to deliver their paper.  And deliver, I did….. until my next calling….  The Orange County Register!

That’s RIGHT people…I moved up in the world and now I had 55, yes FIFTY FIVE customers around my city to deliver to SEVEN DAYS A WEEK!!!  I was working either right after school, or super early on weekends.  Papers had to be delivered by 8am, no excuses.  And if a neighbor stole a paper, I had to rush out and replace it no questions asked…..

After that was a typical teenage job…PIZZA place…and then I graduated and right after graduated started working in a bank….and so it went from there…..

I always had a job, always supported myself and built my way up the ladder of life.  20 years ago I met my husband and after 5 years of being together I quit my job to raise kids… and for the last 16 years, I have been…. “Mom”….

For those of you with teenagers, I do believe you can attest to the quick trip this journey is and how quickly time passes year after year.  It’s the trickiest job I have ever had for every time I think I have it down it changes… or “they” change… you know…the kids…and their patterns and behaviors and their mannerisms and vocabulary and music and OH MY GOD HELP ME!!!!…..

Oh….okay way, so it’s not THAT bad…. but it does keep you on your toes at a rapid rate of “you just outdated yourself”.

I wish there were a book on teenagers, but the more I know and the more I talk to parents, the more I realize the degrees of teenagisms vary from kid to kid.  But the CHAOS is universal.

I still have a good 4 years to go with them in the house before college starts and even at that, they may not actually LEAVE for college, we may be stuck with them because they don’t want to go or aren’t smart enough to achieve “REAL” college status….even though they are both WAY smarter than I EVER was at their ages…. Good Golly Miss Molly….

Even still, with the high school years upon us, what I’m realizing is they are becoming increasingly independent and the separation process is in play and will continue to grow until the eagle leaves the nest and leaves me scratching my head wondering where the hell did all the time and exhaustion go???

Just today, Sunday as it were, I spent the day catching up on work – and happily so- because the kids found their own destinations and I didn’t need to take either one… so I was left home alone.

I accomplished much, with still much left to do, but I had to call it quits for the day because boring duties had to be attended to.

As I drove to fill my tank and wash my car and grocery shop, I found myself driving in circles, literally, because I had no idea what I was doing or where I wanted to go.  And it profoundly mimicked my life as a soon to be empty nester (and I only say soon to be, because one is already driving and I’m partially laid off from my duties).

I reflected back on recent weeks where I photographed a friend’s wedding whose daughter was marrying her high school sweetheart….  Her daughter was getting married…

My life flashed all around me and my head swirled with fear and panic and wonder.  What’s to become of me?  Will I be relevant?  What will I do?

I know so many moms before me have threaded this path….. I have nothing but respect for them.  And when I think of them, I see they all have survived.

So the same must be true for me.

And at this moment, I’m sure many are laughing thinking I still have a few years of teenage hell to live through , and I’m worrying just a little too soon…. and you may be right….  But the way I live my life is in Pre Panic… or regretted hindsight.

I’m actually right on time with this freakout and I’m going to own it!

My kids don’t need me like they used to.  I have more time on my hands, yet still not enough time to make my house “Better Homes and Gardens” ready… (that may be by choice, I’m not sure yet).

But I am feeling lost at this crazy transition in my life.

I want to live my life with purpose and one of my purposes is slowly drifting away…. Things will never be like they were and my heart hurts for that.

But, it does grow with the fact that my tiny baby with the big cheeks is embracing her new freedoms, and she’s starting to spread her wings and see the world in an independent light.  She’s starting to realize she CAN….and she IS…

The upside is, I see her less, but she’s telling me a bit more.  NOT EVERYTHING…because that would be TMI and I don’t wanna know everything…. I want to know “just enough”.  Last night she shared with me that she helped a friend.  She shared with me that she didn’t want to lie to me, but she didn’t want me to get mad if I heard something she knew I wouldn’t be happy with.  I gave her a phrase to preface her “scared” statements with and we agreed.

It’s not all bad.  It’s just a changing of the seasons of our lives.

I remember about 8 years ago, I sat across from my  then coworker, who was 74 and I told her, “Oh my God, I’m SO blessed!!  I have the BEST friends of my life and I love my husband and my kids are happy…everything is just SO GREAT!”  And without a step she replied to me in her infinite wisdom, “Oh honey, This too shall pass!”

I was dumbfounded and insulted immediately…. but as I took a breath and looked back at her, I realized that she knew exactly what she was talking about….

It was a great moment in perspective and her honesty was spot on….

Enjoy each moment and don’t wish them away when you get frustrated.  This too shall pass….