So I am out on a walk and I was gonna walk streets but something pulled me up to the hills instead so I went into nature… (I was trying not to get my new shoes dirty)
As I was climbing a hill I looked down to see a stink bug on its back clearly in its last moments of life. I could not see myself stepping on it so I just walked on… and that’s when it happened… out of nowhere memories from the past came flooding at me and apparently the universe wants me to deal with past trauma…
If you know my family growing up we were a little bit nutty. We had a lot of cats that roamed the area. One such animal, a kitten of sorts decided to nest itself on the wheel of one of the many cars We had at the house. (This is the part where you may want to dip if you have a sensitive heart)
My sister jumped in her car put it in reverse and did not realize what was about to happen… When she realized that she had rolled over the cat she literally took off. (Too much to handle I am sure…)
Meanwhile, my oldest brother‘s friend came running in the house asking for some tool to finish the job and relieve the cat of it suffering. I had no idea what happened, but when I heard, I started crying and was told to stay inside…and thankful for that guidance, because being the visual person I was, it would have never left my brain…. In hindsight, I can honestly say my brother’s friend’s reflexes to have this done were so fast it was actually impressive and kind of leaves you with a “Hmmmm” as to how he thought to be so swift and humane to this poor creature… I hadn’t thought about that scenario in decades; I was likely a young teen at the time…. but somehow I had buried all this in my past because it was too much for my brain to handle. Now as I walk and see this little beetle and realize I did not give it the same humane offering, I’m realizing what a horrible person I am – Or at least feeling like one. Tears proceeded to flow so fast as I was walking up the hill that I was glad that I took nature instead of the streets.
As I am on this healing journey I guess I am becoming more aware of things that have been buried in my past. They never really do go away, they shape us for better or for worse. The question is now, what do I do with his pain?
I sat down for a minute and thought about the scene at the house that day and I let myself cry. I apologized to the kitty and prayed that it found peace and I was thankful for my brother’s friend who is so brave and quick to release this kitty from its pain.
Psychology and trauma can suck it. This shit is hard. But if you know me, I share because I don’t want people to feel alone when something like this happens to them. We are all going through this thing called life together and we should be there for each other no matter what.
The other thing that happened while thinking about all this and wondering why this came out of the blue, I realized much about compartmentalization and how I have gone through my life to get where I am today. And then all honesty I can say that I was never truly alone and I’ve always been surrounded by amazing support, but I think that’s because I cannot hide who I am and people know me which brings comfort level for them to be able to support me in times of need.
But all that being said you have to walk the walk alone and heal yourself because nobody can do that for you. There are days I am riding high I’m so excited and I think the reason I love being in my jeep off-road is that I am not forced to deal with anything other than the 50 feet in front of me at any given time. I am also surrounded by amazing people who are there to lend support to keep me safe. It’s a great place to be and I’m so thankful that I found my Jeep family.
Some of them are still getting to know me so when they see these posts they get very concerned… But the truth is many people feel this shit, they just don’t share it. By the time I am done with this post, I will have acknowledged my pain worked on giving it closure and moved on to the next bit of trauma that will choose to pop up in my face whenever it fucking pleases.