Something has been weighing heavy on me lately and I wasn’t totally sure how to articulate it.

As a parent, we have a job to guide our kids, help them grow, teach them to become independent…and give them wings to fly.

I’ll never forget when my sister said so beautifully, “Our children are not ours…they pass through us”. 

I’m so thankful for that moment, because it made me realize that parenting is just a job.   Our children are given to us by the grace of God to help them become something or someone, who will hopefully make a difference in this world.

As a photographer, I have the unique ability to observe.  My brain is constantly waiting for “the moment”…and it’s transpired into  my daily life and my job as a mom, and a writer.  Years ago, I noticed kids were all different. (yes, I was always aware they were different, but now I was looking at it through a mom’s eyes).  I started realizing that all these kids have their own unique set of traits that would in one way or another, affect my children.

The first day of Elementary school for my eldest, I stood with all the other eager parents and watching my “MOST” precious child (because of course, ours are perfect and better than any others) stand in line and wait to be in class.  Well, apparently there was a “line scuffle” that included my child and she got shoved, right before my eyes, by a kid who was a good few inches taller than her. (My daughter, now sixteen, hasn’t even reached 5ft tall if that tells you what a peanut she was then).

I was mortified at what I saw.  My first instinct was to go and beat the crap out of the kid.  But, I ‘adulted’ instead, and when I addressed her and looked in her eyes,  I realized it was just how kids can be, and it was a petty issue and it was done.

But what I realized in that moment was I had complete control on how I was going to handle this situation.  As I looked at this girl, who was bigger than my own, I thought, ‘If she really knew my daughter, this wouldn’t have happened.’……so I made a play date with said child.    And I’m so glad I did.  I realized that she’s a sweet kid, and as a result these two – who could have been mortal enemies – became understanding of each other and as a result, I adore this child’s whole family.

Kids will be kids.  But we as adults have a say in how they will get through it.  We can contribute to their success, or contaminate their view on the world, making them negative.

I’ll never forget my first job after high school… I didn’t go to college, I just started working at a Bank within a week after graduation.  As I was getting to know everyone, I noticed this one lady who always seemed angry.  I called my mom and told her about this lady….and my mom’s wisdom carries me to this day, “There’s a prick in every bunch, Catherine…you just need to learn to deal with them.”

BOOM…..there is was…. That’s life in a nutshell.

Over time, I got to know this (‘scuse the term) Prick at my job, and I actually smile when I think of her.  She was just a lady on a mission with her job.  She wasn’t angry at all, usually just frustrated with the crap that wasn’t going right.  But ….. her LAUGH …. was boisterous …. raspy from smoking, but loud and contagious.   After I got to know her I dug her bigtime.

I have learned over the course of my life to judge slowly.

In today’s world with all the helicopter parenting (and yes, I’m somewhat guilty of that because it’s a sign of the times) I realize that we can do too much for our children, including telling them what to think, that will damage them for a lifetime.

When my younger daughter was in third grade, she had a teacher that just rubbed me raw.  Would send home notes in my daughters Friday folder (IN RED INK), ‘A little chatty this week’ …. or other things that I couldn’t address because it was FRIDAY and if I asked my daughter what happened, she’d have forgotten by the time I asked…. so I asked the teacher to drop me an email if there was an issue so I could ask my child “THAT DAY” what happened… alas, she stuck to her red notes every Friday.  I didn’t care for her at all and had the power to complain about her often but held my tongue …..and when I asked my daughter how she felt about the teacher, she said, “I LOVE HER!”……so there ya have it……

As parents, we have SO MUCH CONTROL over what our kids do, and how they think.  Believe it or not, they are watching us constantly and they mimic what we do!

I was just at a 50th party the other day and I watched my friends dad laugh and I was smacked in the face with the fact that his 47 year old daughter (my friend) laughs EXACTLY THE SAME WAY…. They almost make a sniffle, throw their head back slightly and then bellow out in laughter.  I giggled realizing, “YEP…they’re related”.

Our kids will carry us through their lifetime.  So I think we owe it to them to be very diligent in realizing what we teach them can either make them or break them!

Recently I was talking to a parent about a situation that’s gone bad and it affected a bunch of kids.  As a result, many kids walked away from their obligation before their time was done.  I don’t know all the details of how, what or why, but everything inside me is shaking my head NO NO NOOOOOOO……..

My kids have been in some crazy situations.  One year, my daughter was with a heinous math teacher who degraded my daughters efforts to stay on top of it in class and worked with a tutor.  The teacher told her, “You shouldn’t need a tutor if you are in this class, maybe you should take the next math class down”.  Now..keep in mind….we Cunningham’s are NOT Mathletes in any way, shape or form.  So, to see my kids struggle in math is just another day in my world.  And…my daughter had an out… She could have gone down a level and skated through the year…. But I told her, and I QUOTE…..”I don’t care if you are bleeding out your eyes….you WILL finish THIS YEAR in THAT CLASS with THAT TEACHER, and you will show her you aren’t a quitter!”  (there may have been a few “F-bombs”, but my brain is fuzzy)  We kept the tutor for the whole year, to help her get through. I dropped her a half hour early 2 times a week and she passed the class.  The teacher ended up giving her a student of the quarter certificate for Not Giving Up.  I still hated the teacher but appreciated the gesture.

Two years later, my younger daughter was assigned same heinous teacher and begged me to move her out.  I told her no.  And she got through the class and survived.

My kids have also danced competitively for years.  They had coaches they didn’t love, costumes they loathed, and routines where they were buried in the choreo.  You know what I did???  Paid the bill.  Even when one daughter broke her foot and couldn’t dance for four months, I made her show up to team every week, sit on the sidelines, and I wrote the check to pay for it.  As a parent, I need my kids to know that they won’t always be happy.  They will encounter things that will eat away at their core.  BUT….that’s life.

One day my daughter came home and complained about her coach.  She HATED him… I said, “WHY?”  She said, “He’s so mean!”  I asked her how and she went into detail as I listened intently.  At the end I asked her, “Did he call you fat, stupid, ugly or anything else?”  She said “NO”.  I said,  “Is most of what he’s telling you having to do with team and your part and what he expects from you?” …..she furrowed her brows and thought about it and said, “Well…ya….” (she knew she was losing at this point).  I said, “GOOD!  Go in there and show him what you can do!”  Turned out to be the one coach she still talked about and misses the most.

As a parent, you get tired.  You don’t want to see your kids suffer.  When I see my kids crying and I know I can’t help them it kills a part of my soul.  But I realize parenting is that delicate balance of helping at times, and letting them figure it out at other times.

I may be harsh compared to some parents and I’m okay with that.  I’m not as harsh as others, I’m kind of right in the middle.  I parent other peoples kids and have no issue with it.  And more often than not, neither do they!   My favorite quote from a 15 yr old boy was, “Nobody takes you as a joke, everyone knows if we “F” with you we might as well die!”

(give me a minute to giggle)

I am by NO MEANS saying my kids are perfect…. this last few weeks has been tough.  But there are many times I have to pull back and take pause before I answer or address certain situations.  I have to think a little ahead on how my input will affect my child’s reaction.  It’s not always easy.  Once you have kids your own life is gone.  It’s not about you anymore.

And with that, I just have to say, if you come upon a situation where you influence your child’s thoughts… play out the scenario before you actually share it.  You have a lot more power than you know…..use it wisely Obi-Wan….  The thoughts you think today….will ripple forward into eternity……