Last night I got in trouble with one of my kids. I yelled at her! God forbid!

She didn’t understand my panic, just reacted to my tone and the rest was done!

I was sitting in the dining room at the table and smelled sulfur. That, to me, is BURNING!!! I’m guessing electrical wires! Something is wrong and I must investigate!

Lo and behold, my little one has lit a candle. A sweet gesture, I assure you. It smelled good and she wanted to have it smell up the house!

Only she didn’t realize the thought process of an adult!!!

I didn’t realize what was going on, so I started to panic! What’s going on in my house? WHAT is burning?? Has the electrical gone bad? …..and off my mind went!

When I saw what happened, I reacted in a fit of panic! “You don’t DO that without asking me first! That is NOT okay!!! What were you THINKING???”

Her response was one of sheer fear and sadness. She had done something wrong and ran off to her room.

OHHHH the disconnect of parents and children…..

The take is vast in this area. I realize that at the age of 10, the feeling is all emotional. It’s not rational at all. Kids can’t foresee what could possibly happen, so they just internalize what they ‘think’ is going on and run with it!

And just like that, I scarred my kid and she will remind me in a distorted way 20 years from now!! Boy, I can’t wait!!!

Kids aren’t meant to know how to anticipate things. That is a parents job. But the problem is that as the kids ‘know’ in their mind what took place…. so does a parent!

And the difference is simply wisdom!

Now, I’m not saying every parent is right, because God knows we are all lacking in knowledge on some level. But when a child is scorned, their tender little hearts are hard to recover.

In the face of a bad parental decision a child internalizes the sequence of events and it literally shapes their behavior for the ‘next time’. And not always in a good way!

What will likely happen down the road is that my child will learn to hide ‘better’ than she did before!! They grow from what they learn. And as I taught her to jump from the fire, she will learn a different way to light the candle (metaphorically speaking).

Your reaction as a parent is critical to how your child will proceed in the future. If you think yelling at them will ‘cure’ them…you got another thing coming!!! Kids adapt like animals in the wild. If you react unfavorably, they will learn to manipulate a situation to count you out of the equation.

I’m not saying kids are bad. They are smart. The adapt just like any of us.

My fear in my reaction with my child is that she won’t trust me (or herself) the next time she makes a decision. I just chipped away at her confidence level. I made her feel less than competent.

I’m not sure how to recover from this!

I did talk to her afterwards. But the damage is done. “You can’t unring that bell” as Dr. Phil says.

I’d change my approach if I could. She really didn’t deserve my reaction. It’s not like she was hidin in the closet with a box of matches. She simply lit a candle. But instead of changing my approach….I’ll have to keep my eye a little keener on what’s going on. Kids adapt….but parents can adapt too!

Happy Tuesday!