A word about Blame…..

I’m lucky to have my mom in my life.  My dad passed 17 years ago, and my heart aches to hear his laugh and listen to his stories or wonder what he would think of my girls (the first of which I was pregnant with when he passed).  I know he would love them and get a kick out of my mini-me, but to actually know… would be awesome.

That said, I’m so thankful for the time I have had with my mom.  We don’t get together as much as I would like but when we do, we enjoy each others company.  I have come to understand my mom on so many levels.  And even more so now that I am a mom.  Of Teenagers… Girls… (insert prayers here).

I was talking to my mom today and we talked about many people and relationships etc…  I told her that I find it fascinating that so many people hold their moms accountable for their failures in life.  Yes, I’m sure the dad too at times, but so many times it seems to circle back to the mom.  And now that I’m a mom….of teenagers… girls (insert prayers here), it’s got me thinking about why?

I kind of have an answer….but then I don’t….. so maybe you can think about it and let me know your viewpoints….

I have already told my kids, “I will screw you up, it is not a matter of if, but when…and when you grow older, you will let me know how!”

It’s a fact isn’t it?

My husband and his brother have countless stories of their mother’s ….well…ummm…shortcomings?  I’m not sure how to say it, because now as I am a mom, I would call them …… JUSTIFICATIONS!!!

And as I was growing up I can recount many memories of (well actually both my parents), but I can hone into my mom, for things she did that I didn’t get at the time.  Did it change who I was?  Probably!  Do I dwell on it?  I don’t think so.  Did I used to?  Yes, I’m sure I did…. But I’m now a parent, and I see things with new glasses.  That said, I don’t know that my siblings would agree, but I have a different relationship with my mom and therefore I have a different viewpoint….

As parents, we do our best to get by.  There is no real guidebook to let us know how to deal with our kids based on how we were raised.  Because if you think about it, we raise our kids and give them what we can based on what we were given, or not given in our own childhoods.  And I think this is where the muck starts to stir up from our pasts….

My mom was pretty chill.  I was a not so skinny kid, and my mom could have put me on a diet, like some of my friends moms did…. but she didn’t.  She let me be me.  I remember once upon a time telling her I didn’t like my legs and her response was simple… “Okay…we’ll see about cutting a little meat off when we get home”.  I was very young because that answer was AWESOME….and I went back to playing.

I am glad she didn’t dwell on my shortcomings as a kid.  But that said, she had enough to deal with, with my temper tantrums… (and there were many).

In hindsight, I have learned to appreciate the way my mom handled things.  Was she perfect?  HELL NO!  I can recount many stories where I feel things should have gone different.  Only… I wasn’t the parent.  And now I am.

I have the chance to make whatever decisions I want for my kids.  Am I perfect?  HELL NO!!!  I’m probably not strict enough, I don’t teach my kids to clean, the only thing consistent in our lives is that; A.) I scare my kids (which gives me GREAT PRIDE) and B.) The only consistency in my house is INCONSISTENCY!  Hubs and I work it out as we go along and our kids are pretty honest (except the red head who still thinks she can get away with anything).

But my point here is my kids have no problem pointing the finger when they feel I have failed.  I don’t mind them uttering their grievances… after all, it’s their opinions.

To a point, I can accept their grievances.  But if at any time, they blame ME for their inability to progress…. I stop them.

At any point in our lives, on any given day… WE…as HUMAN BEINGS… HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE how we live our lives!!  (Not my teenagers…. I mean, not 100%, but as they grow they get more leeway).  But as a people… we have to realize that we DO have control.

If my kids get mad because I ruined their life because they can’t go to Disneyland… I’ll own that shit!  Their lives are ruined because of me!  For that day anyways!

But if they blame me because they can’t hold a job, or they can’t move forward in their lives….that’s on THEM!

I once read a very powerful statement… write it down people…it was from Dr.David Viscott…. “People either blame OUT…or they blame IN”.

Do you understand that statement?  I remember where I was when I ready it over 20 years ago…I was in the passenger seat of a car heading up to Big Bear.  I don’t know who I was with, but I remember the power I felt when I read that.  I felt the universe had opened up to me and the world made sense!!! (okay…not THAT profound, but pretty darned close!)

People have patterns.  Have you ever met anyone who is ALWAYS down on their luck?  And it’s NEVER their fault?  Take a moment to think about this….I’m sure you can think of someone!  We ALL know “that” person.

I feel sorry for people who can’t reflect on themselves and wonder what part of their life that THEY can take ownership of? (yes mom, I used a dangling participle…)

People who feel they need to blame others hurt my heart… Except when I find humor in it….  like they day my husband tripped over my shoe and yelled at ME saying it was my fault…. to which I quickly responded, “If you were looking at where you were going, you would have seen the shoe and stepped over it like everyone else in the house.”… (he didn’t like that, so I don’t suggest you throw your spouse under the bus unless you want to be in a tiff….)

I don’t know why people feel it’s okay to blame others.  Yes…sometimes people do impact our lives.  But as a mom, I have seen my kids go through horrible things with horrible people and my advice to them is to take a step back …. and just see what happens.  More often than not, they see a pattern in the mean people and realize that is not who they want to be.  I recently overheard my daughter talking to a friend, giving them advice as it were….and I was so proud to see that my daughter was so articulate and compassionate to her friend. And she gave great and wise advice.  Is she like that always?  Hell no… but she was at this moment…when it counted…and I was proud…

We can’t control what others do to us.  We can only control our reactions and how we treat others.  If you feel the need to attack back…you are coming from a place of pain.  If you are strong enough to acknowledge…and walk away… and realize it didn’t have anything to do with you, then you are coming from a place of strength and confidence.

Life is so hard all by itself.  But when you have to look around to see who you can point the finger at…that’s just exhausting…

And it’s true…. It’s easier to  point out than in….but when you can see the part you had to play in any situation … and learn from it…that’s empowerment.   Work that shit all day long!