So….many people don’t realize what anxiety is!  Unless you have been tortured by it like I have, you may not realize how it manifests.  So I am here to tell you about it….

About a year ago (closer to two) I started feeling this weird sensation in my stomach.  There wasn’t any other symptoms other than a tickling feeling.  I figured it would go away, so I ignored it.  Over the course of time, I started worrying about it, because is was in the general arena of the stomach/pancreas; and my dad died from Pancreatic cancer!  Quite quickly, as a matter of fact, after he was diagnosed (which took years of going to doctors and getting misdiagnosed).

Many times I have looked at my dad’s life and felt like I’m following in his footsteps.  From and early age, I remember him having neck and back issues.  I remember this device he had that you would fill with water (to add weight) and it would hang from the wall and pull his head up and away from his body. The idea was to reduce the pressure he was feeling in his neck, thereby relieving his neck pain.

Well..I had a bulging disc that took 8 months of therapy and decompression (pulling on the head to pump fluid back into the disc) and it was very similar to what dad endured.

Next, my dad had hip issues.  It was his right hip.  It would go out on him from time to time.  It’s an issue I myself have been plagued with for years!

Da had vertigo. I have had three serious episodes with vertigo which completely freaked me out and rendered me useless. Now I live every day in fear that I will have another vertigo attack!!!

Then, there were stomach issues.  Maybe that is where we put all our stress, but the bottom line is, my dad always had stomach issues and he never felt “well”.  As I was diagnosed with GERD in 2007, I have suffered with reflux and acid issues that rarely leave me feeling happy after a meal!  It’s absolutely insane how my life is following his!

So you can see where my stomach issues automatically equal CANCER in my body!!!

Now; the funny thing about anxiety is this…..MOST of the time one is suffering (and I am only using ME as an example), we never share our thoughts!  WHY?  Because in our LOGICAL mind; we know it might sound INSANE if we utter the words.  So we keep silent!  In the meantime our body is feeling the impact as though our fears are 100% true and justified!!!

I once explained anxiety like this; You are sitting on a hot stove and you are getting burned!  Your body feels it and is reacting, and your logical mind KNOWS you need to get off…..but you are literally unable to.  So you sit and suffer.

In this past few years, I have wondered when my last days will be!!!  I get through my days with my mantra, “I’m not gonna die today!”  And so far, it has worked!

Well it took a lot of gumption and one very scary night for me to realize I just need to go to the doctor and find out what is plaguing me!  At least if I find out I am dying, I can prepare my family and maybe even my own funeral!  (again; realizing that these words I utter to myself are likely complete lunacy!)

The doctor I chose was my chiropractor.  He told me that my tingling could be from my spine being out of alignment, so he adjusted me.  However, I found it too hard to believe and too good to be true that all of my suffering could be THAT simple of a fix!!!  So I decided to seek a medical doctor.  I chose a friend of mine’s doctor.  She had great success with him, so I bit the bullet.  First thing he asked me what was wrong.  I told him I thought I was dying and he needed to prove me wrong so  I could get back to living.  He INSTANTLY prescribed me an antidepressant/anti anxiety drug (because he can).  He told me that the tickling sensation would likely be a nerve issue.  I looked at him and said, “So I’m NOT dying???”  He said, “Not today!”

But he ordered blood work just to be sure!

Today I went in for my results.

Let me tell you; the final 24 hours before blood results for a person with anxiety is complete and pure HELL!!!!  I wondered what cancerous findings he would see on my panel.  I wondered how long I had to live.  I sat in his office alone, shaking and ready to cry.  When he saw the horror on my face he asked what was wrong.  I told him that he held the future of my life in his hands.

He quickly put me at ease and told me if there was an issue; his staff would have called.  And if it were SERIOUS…HE would have called.  I instantly breathed a sigh of relief!  He then went over the entire panel with me; and not only was it good; my cholesterol was down even FURTHER than the last blood test I had!!!  All the other levels were well within normal range!

When we were done he looked at me and said; “Have you started taking the meds I prescribed you?”  And I responded (as if he didn’t realize) “No”.  He asked why and I told him that I know what I am going through is temporary and stress related.  Now that I know I am not dying, I will start back on my exercise and relieve the stress, thereby raising my serotonin levels naturally!!!  I said, if I haven’t started running by the next time I see you, I will open the bottle and jump right in!

He said; that’s great to hear.  I have yet to see a depressed runner!

And with that I finished up my morning at the chiropractor; went over the symptoms I was having all of which he said was synonymous with nerve issues.  And I repeated to him what I said to the other doctor….”So I’m REALLY NOT DYING!”  He smiled and said, “Not today!”

Now in the course of my (over a) year of mental torture, I lived in a mine field of hell and self-destruction.  I woke up nights and couldn’t go back to sleep for fear that my children would soon be without a mother.

My logical mind kept me operating through my day; and my busy schedule kept me sidetracked from complete meltdown status.  But the bottom line is, I let fear and anxiety rule my life, my brain and my body for way too long!!

My husband had no idea that for a year I worried about my life.  I explained to him that my every day life is full of at least 50% fearful thoughts.  For the most part I have learned to dismiss them and move on.  But every so often; something grabs my entire being and won’t let go!!

If you have never had anxiety and you are a little stressed after reading this; I have done my job!

It’s not worth it!  I can release my adrenaline in the gym or on the trails.  But I need to start releasing it more often, otherwise it will fester inside me and eat away at my soul.  If you do suffer from anxiety and are just now realizing it; you CAN trust a doctor to take care of you!  I HAVE been through periods of needing meds and they worked really well for me.  Thankfully, years of mental discipline, awareness and therapy have made a huge difference (and RUNNING or exercise!)  Seek help if you are suffering.  I’ll never forget when I was first diagnosed so many years ago; the therapist asked me why I hadn’t mentioned my fears earlier.  And I told her that I was afraid if I told her what I “know”, she will be infected with my thoughts and therefore suffer like me!  She helped me realize I will soon be able to live again.  I thank every day for her for recognizing something beneath what I was showing her!!!

Welcome to the world of anxiety.

Happy Friday!