Strange Transition

As many  know from my non Poker Face and my recent posts that these last few weeks have been pretty awful, emotionally for me.

And if you know me for any length of time, you know that I tend to withdraw from time to time to regroup my brain and my life.

Well this past week sucked on a high level.  Still no resolution to my situation and I’m left hanging.  I blogged a few weeks ago that when you don’t have resolution, you create your own. Only I was talking about “You” and not “Me” because it didn’t work!  When I had to face my “friend” I crumbled like a small child and regressed in age.

Years ago, when I was of adult age, I worked at a bank with my mom.  We brought some kittens to the vet because they weren’t thriving.  We didn’t realize that there was something wrong with the mom cat and the baby kittens were basically starving (thus the reason we brought them to the vet).  The lady from the vet called me and accused me of being neglectful.  I was absolutely beside myself, because if you look into my past, I have literally bottle fed kittens trying to save them.  I’ve shed MANY a tear over my animals in my life and even paid $500 to try to fix my lizard Lucy who wasn’t any more than a common street lizard.  And when she died, I was a horrible mess for a long time.

So when this lady accused me of being anything less than caring, I was absolutely out of control with grief and ran to my mom (at work) crying hysterically.  She was not one to be as emotional as me and she told me (with an ounce of annoyance) that I needed to grow a thicker skin.

She wasn’t trying to be mean, but I should have at least been able to conduct myself a bit better while at work….. however I couldn’t.  And I think I ended up going home that day in a ball of tears.

The kittens died and the pain still haunts me.

My point in that story was not only for the sadness I felt about the kittens, but the disdain this woman felt for me.  She knew nothing about me or what we had tried to do.  She judged me harshly and I couldn’t live with that.

In this current day situation, I also feel harshly judged.  I did something that was without malice.  And I have spent the last few weeks paying the price for it emotionally.  It almost made me withdraw further.

…..Almost……

But something happened this week that brought peace to my heart.  I realized it isn’t really about me.   For as much effort as I put out there to resolve it, my efforts were never returned.  And when I got close, REALLY REALLY CLOSE…..  plans (theirs not mine) got diverted.  It was made to sound like an accident, but it wasn’t.  It was all out avoidance.

The shame in all of it is I’m not totally sure what I did.  I was never really told, which was the supposed reason for the meeting. (that never happened).

I pulled back the other day and sat in my backyard for many hours, by myself, listening to music that filled my soul.  I questioned myself on every possible level an actually got to talk to people who truly know me.  And I realized how truly blessed I am in my life.

I’m not perfect on any level.  But when I have a falling out with my ‘friends’, we talk and resolve and move on.  And though moving on isn’t always easy, it’s the conversation and communication which is the glue to the relationship going forward.

I have no glue for what’s happened in the last few weeks.  And that’s a shame.  But at this time, I have made a decision to do my best to suck it up in their presence and try as hard as possible NOT to regress to a 13 year old wounded child.  Because this isn’t on me anymore.  And my heart is sad and actually feels sadness for my friend.  I love them dearly with all my heart.  But I can’t fix this alone, and I’m done trying.

I woke up after my night in the backyard and I felt such a sense of peace….FINALLY.  For the first time in weeks I felt an ounce of joy in my heart.  I started doing things I hadn’t been doing…..you know like dishes…  Which have darned near piled for weeks.

It’s only the second day after my strange transition, but I’m up and being constructive again.

My dad once said, “When you are feeling DE-structive…. do something CON-structive”.  And as I am actually working towards the CONstructive side of things again, I’m a bit hopeful.

My friends have helped carry me through and I’m very thankful!!!

I guess we shall see what the coming weeks bring.

To each his own…..

Happy Saturday!