Instinct vs Impact

Did you ever realize how you become numb to someone elses actions and tone when you live with it so long?? And then one day it hits you that you are being disrespected; only you are so used to it that you let it slide?

Ya…that happens here sometimes.

I always talk about being Ella of Frell (from Ella Enchanted) to my daughter because she is such a good kid that when she asks for something I see no harm.

However, I realized recently that it’s creating a tiny bit of a monster and I need to pull back a bit.

Not in a huge bad way, but a noticeable change in demeanor sort of way.

I had to get nasty last night to both of my kids and as a result they both went to bed with me being the enemy. I’m totally fine with that. What I am NOT fine with is that my younger daughter asked why I HATE her!!! I told her that I don’t hate her I was just correcting what is unacceptable in this house.

I tend to forget the perceptions of children. Yet when she said that I instantly remembered confusing consequence with emotion. I didn’t realize that when I got in trouble it was my action that was receiving a consequence. I was under the assumption that my parents hated me when I didn’t do well.

I have to remind myself often that my conversations with them need a bit of follow-up. There is no need to ‘explain’ things when we are in the heat of the moment and they both see me as the enemy. I need to wait until they calm down and revisit the situation with them to reiterate that it was their actions I was dealing with and not them.

The other perception is that I was ‘yelling’ at them. I explained that my tone never changed. My words may have been angrier, but my tone was never high enough to hurt anyones ears. I told my daughter that is was her perception that I was yelling because she didn’t like the content of my words. And then I “YELLED” at her to let her know the difference. (I’m all about examples!!)

I look back on my childhood a lot. I remember being 11 and having something awful happen to me. I didn’t know how to articulate my feelings at the time. I just knew that I felt yucky! Then about a year or two later when the same thing happened to me a lightbulb went on and the whole ugly scenario came flooding back to me and all of a sudden I had the words……..

Kids know how they feel. They don’t always know how to articulate it. When you think back to your earliest childhood memories, the youngest memory you could possibly remember, I bet there was a lot of emotion attached to that memory! Fear, Joy, Sadness…. But it wasn’t a simple passing moment where mom was making dinner and you were having idle chit-chat. I’m not saying that NOBODY remembers idle chit-chat; but if you think back to your first memory, I’m guessing it had some heavy emotion with it.

I have to remember this with my kids. Their basic feelings are “Hurt, Anger, Fear, Joy, Happiness” Etc… But they have yet to learn things like “Disdain, disgust, violation, etc….”
It takes time to develop this intricate emotions. It takes time to separate anger from consequence. And as many times as I tell my friends who invest WAY TOO MUCH information and decision-making into their small children; They do NOT have the ability to see all the consequences of their choices!!! So don’t put that burden of responsibility on them!!!!

But when our kids sound so smart; we can’t help but think “Oh…they get it!” I have thought that too with my kids, but in hindsight (that place I tend to live my life), I realize I overestimated them and I was wrong. And THEY paid the price for it!

So with the tones hitting my household, I’m rethinking the “trust my kids” instinct and will be further investigating the “This is MY household” instinct (*Mine meaning mom AND dad).
We are parents. We need to PARENT!!! Your kids have friends. Give your kids the dignity to be kids and realize they have a lot to learn. And they should be learning the bulk of their decision-making skills at home so when they go out into the world, they can make the right decisions. Decisions that would make your family proud!

Happy Friday!