The last few years I have had my ass handed to me by life.  One would think by they time they hit their 50s, they will have pretty much hit the life lesson list.   One would be wrong…

Growing up, I never had a close relationship with my mom.  She wasn’t a warm fuzzy person, but she was pretty easy going for the most part.  I had some major issues with her growing up (what kid doesn’t) and because of those issues, I really didn’t care if I had a relationship with her.  But life kept throwing us together over and over again, and I dare say it was so we could heal.

After high school graduation, my dad got a job on the east coast.  I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t have a job and he basically said, “You’re going!”.  I didn’t have a leg to stand on, so off I went.  When he picked me up from the airport in Boston, I was crying like a baby because I DID NOT want to leave California and “all my friends.”  My dad had little patience with me on this.  He didn’t want to be there either, but had to go where the job was so my sniveling wasn’t in his wheelhouse.  I lasted 4 months there and bought a ticket back, stayed with friends and realized that nothing changed.  Some people didn’t even know I was gone.  I was so bummed.  I thought in my mind that life would stop for those who loved me, but reality taught me that we are all just trudging along and the world didn’t revolve around me… So about a year later, I went back to Massachusetts, and this time I was going to make that time count.  First thing I did was look for a job.  I had a lead from my mom and within a month, we were working at the same credit union; one floor apart!  It was a great job; I loved the people and though mom and I had the same schedule, rarely did we lunch together.  I spent my time there exploring New England, driving around (literally aimlessly as no one could tell directions there and there was no GPS).  I absolutely loved my time there.

I was glad to have that time with my parents, but it lasted a year and I was back to So Cal.  A few years later, dad got a new opportunity back in California, only it was up north. I would pop in to visit a few times a year; it was nice to know that wherever my parents moved it was still home as dad made sure to have extra rooms in the house.  He always loved visitors …

Not long after moving up there, dad got sick and passed away; I was 31 and pregnant with my first child.  I was so sad he would never meet her.

Mom moved down here and I dare say, that was the biggest blessing of my life.  God granted us time to heal.

Four months after dad died, I gave birth to my daughter and she was the light of my mom’s eye.  A few years later, I had another girl and Mom was always there to help when I needed her.  Over the course of the years and me being a mom, I started to see my mom in a different light.  I still had issues with the mistakes she made, but I started realizing that she didn’t do any of it on purpose.  She was just a person doing the best she could with what she had.  I probably would have never realized that had I not been gifted that extra time with her.  We had many adventures in the 26 years she was down here with me.  My girls were very close with her and we still talk about her often, even though she’s been gone for 3 years now.

I would like to say I was a stellar mother, but both of my girls can level me with shit I have done in the past.  I’m often shocked to hear how they saw my actions; I was truly doing the best I could.  I am proud of both my girls they have exceeded anything I had done up to their ages.  They both have a clearer path where I was still trying to figure it out. (I’m still trying to figure it out).

None of us are born “Equipped”.  We learn as we go and we make a ton of mistakes along the way.  We ALL do.  I am one of five kids and we are all so different and have all screwed up somewhere along the way and had to correct ourselves.  In the last few years I have withdrawn quite a bit.  My circle is smaller and I don’t post as much as I used to.  And if I do, it’s about my pets or my baking.  I just care less what people think.  I have been humbled and I have been graced in my life. I spend my day counting my blessings.

I just saw a post that said, “You handled it so well”… No, I didn’t.   I went insane, I lost my spark.  I bled in silence. My heart shattered. I wore a smile that lied better than any mask could.  I didn’t handle it. My best friend did.  She sad with me in the mud, let me talk about the same thing 202283 times, and never let me forget my worth or my purpose.  ….

And that is true for me.  Blessed that I am I had a few friends hold my hand the way through.

I think life has to sometimes bring you to your knees; completely strip you back to help you gain perspective.  I see things so differently now and I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to open my mind to it all.  Some people will never learn; they stay in a victim mentality and never grow.

I am often reminded of the song, “I never promised you a rose garden”.  Life isn’t all roses.  It comes with thorns along the way.  It’s the same for us all. This is why my mom always said, “This too shall pass” … but what she didn’t say is, sometimes it passes like a kidney stone…

Practice gratitude, enjoy a mini vacay every day, even if it’s just barefeet in the grass, and be blessed by those who lift you up when you are down.

None of us are getting out of this alive, but we can do our best to get out of it knowing we gave it our best!!