Plowing through the projects…

My husband is gone traveling this week.  I’m probably on the rare side of things, but I love when he travels. He works from home and I NEVER get the house to myself.  When he leaves, I tend to kick it into gear and get stuff done thatI won’t do when he is around.   This week I want to paint the kitchen.  So far though…I have cleaned ONE door and drawer to prep … and I stopped.  I have all the stuff out and ready to go, but I’m dreading that I won’t get done in time, therefore I’m not plowing through like I want. I’m also afraid that I won’t love the color, or I will regret the project altogether.

But here is the thing… the cabinets already look like shit.  There is nothing I can do to them to make them look worse.  NOW is the time to do this because he won’t be here to get in my way every 20 minutes.

I know he doesn’t care what I choose to do, I am not worried about that.  I’m just sitting here riddled with fear and dread… Ithink what I need to do is complete the first cabinet and then go from there.  Even if I just get the first half done and do the rest in increments….

Does anyone else do this to themselves?

I swear my life is driven by fear and anxiety and guilt and it is literally CRIPPLING me from going forward.

At this point in my life, I need a sense of purpose.  I keep telling people (and my therapist) that I am lost and I swear they aren’t getting the depth of my emotional abyss.

I am keeping myself in “Stuck” mode and if I don’t get out soon, I am going to be in real trouble.

I am writing to share this for a few reasons… one is to journal myself into the courage to “Just DO” and the other is to see if I am alone in this?  Some call it functional freeze.  And I am here to tell you, it fucking SUCKS!!

I spend much of my days doom scrolling, looking for the answers to life…and so far, I got bupkiss…

What I think I need to do is focus on my small achievements.  As one of my to dos is to write, I’m here getting it done.  I have already done my first walk of the day.

I think some of my goals this week are a little daunting and that makes it really hard to start.  What I need to focus on is chunking it down to reasonable squirrel size projects and chip away until it’s all done.

Every project has chunks you can work with.  It would be easier with help, but I think I need to just put in my ear buds and hit the ground running…

I have so many projects around the house, my husband is literally a SAINT for putting up with the clutter and indecision…   In our room, he walks over my piles of clothes that I have yet to put away or donate.

I mean, I have always been a “visual” person with A.D.D., so clutter has always been there…but in recent years it’s gotten worse and I can now understand how hoarding starts.  I gotta keep myself in check and throw the man a bone.  I think the kitchen is the best place to start because the cabinets are just getting worse and the paint at least protects the wood a bit.  But if I can get the cabinets and some of the piles out of the room I will score MANY brownie points…

I know this is a scattered account of my life, but this is what I have been working with lately and it’s time to start turning it around.  This post is more or less a pep talk to myself to just GET STARTED.  He has no idea I have such aspirations… poor guys probably just given up hope at this point and I need to do better – If not for me, for him…

So…here is to chunking it down and having a bunch of small victories that will eventually come together for one large victory.

Stay tuned…