Letting go

This year I am focused on growing and moving toward a better version of myself.  There is no guide book in life, although there are literally millions of self help books if you are so inclined to purchase and hopefully find the answers to what you are looking for.  Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good self help book; I own many… But any book you get is useless unless you reflect on your own issues (which takes practice to become self aware) and realize the actual issues you need to heal.

Recently, I was hired to photograph a proposal session.  It was obviously a surprise and many people were involved to make it a memorable moment for the adorable bride to be.  The location was a private beach in a private neighborhood that needed approved access before getting in.  My clients friends owned a house in the neighborhood and referred me for the job, so getting in was no issue.  The homeowner is a former client, whose family is just wonderful.  She told me that I was welcome to come whenever I want; she would have no problem calling me in.  I was so grateful.  When I got to the beach, I realized I had been there before, but it was under entirely different circumstances… I was with my daughters friend who was dating a boy (whose mom I was friends with) who lived in the same neighborhood.  She was on the list, so she told me she wanted to take me into the beach to show me “their backyard” aka, the beach.  I thought nothing of it, we went in, parked and quickly saw the beach.  The boys brother came out and we waved and then went on our way.  We were there all of 10 minutes max.  The mom caught wind that we “got in” and called me out on it as if I were the felon of the year.  I was so confused at why this was an issue because the girl who got us in was on the list and even called the boyfriend to confirm we were good to go.  Long story short, this never set well with the mom and it cost us our friendship which I could never understand.  She told me that, “The residents don’t like when random people just come in to the neighborhood, yadda yadda yadda…”.  The loss of that friendship never left me because it just seemed so unwarranted.  That was probably 10 years ago and when I saw the beach for the proposal and realized the last time I had been there, I was struck again with the sadness of the loss of this friendship.

That was a long story to bring back to my point that I never let go of the pain of that loss…  SINCE then, I have lost other friendships along the way for various reasons.  It’s true that some friendships are only for a season, and that is okay.  But sometimes those losses really hurt.  And if it happens more than once in your life, if you aren’t reflecting on it to see if you were the problem…you might be doomed to repeat it over and over.

Well… I have lost many friends over the years for various reasons and some hurt more than others and some I have let go, but it’s time to figure out how to really let this all go for once and for all.

THIS is where the work begins… I didn’t realize how much I was holding on until my husband (who’s heard the story a million times) looked at me and said, “You gotta let that shit GO!”… I realized that I have set it aside many times, but never truly let it go.

I guess the first question I have to ask myself is, “What are you getting out of harboring this resentment?”  I mean, truly, there is no payoff, but I’m genuinely confused and saddened that a whole ass relationship had to end over something so menial.

My goal for today is to focus on areas where I am holding on.  I know there is more than one relationship and issue that I hang on to.  I need to take the time to sit with each one and acknowledge how it made me feel; would I have done anything different, and figure a way to release it from my soul.  I wish I could say I learned something from this situation, but the truth is, I did not learn anything.  I just lost a friendship.  Someone I really liked.

If anyone reading has any tips… I’m here for it.  But either way, this will be my year for healing and letting go and if you are up for it, you are welcome to come along….