Sober day one…

I made a decision to quit alcohol.  I have wanted to for years, mostly because it doesn’t really serve me to grow and achieve goals I need to set for myself.  In fact, it keeps me from creating goals and lowers my day to day energy.

I never really stopped to examine why I drink so mindlessly, but my daily excuse was usually it’s my zen zone at the end of the day.  The problem is, I never stop at one… and as the years (decades) have gone on, I realized that the progression of how much I have been drinking has increased over time.  Not to mention the daily (yes daily) cost of keeping up this very unhealthy habit.

I come from a history of alcoholics.  My mom tainted my childhood with her excessive drinking and I never understood how she could be that way.  I wouldn’t have minded so much if she didn’t take it out on me when she was drunk, but in all my youth, I never thought I would battle the same disease.  I would NEVER do to my kids what she has done to me.

And I justified my drinking over time because I never DID do what my mom did to me.  And when I drink, I never got so beligerent as my mom, so I never really thought I had a problem.   My daughter just said to me not long ago, “Mom, I have never seen you ‘drunk’.”  Maybe not falling down drunk, but heavily inebriated … yes…yes you have …most days of your life.  You just didn’t realize it because you are used to it on the daily….

Recently I heard a quote that said, when you choose to consume alcohol, you are already starting your day at mediocre… I felt this.  After a night of downing a bottle of wine, there is no way I am going to spring out of bed the next morning to rush off to the gym.  And I never have.

I have stopped a few times for a few months here and there, but the problem is I delude myself into thinking “I’m good now” and then the cycle starts all over again.

So…at 55, I am deciding to take my health back, discover the goals I want for myself and find my dreams… I have buried everything so deep and drowned it in wine that I am starting from scratch.  I am also doing my best to document my journey so that I can discover in myself things I have tucked away for so long.

I was once told I’m like a buoy in the ocean…I just float here and there and go where the current takes me… That was said to me about 40 yrs ago.  And it still stands today.  I have never really been a force in my own life.  I have followed those before me and never really aspired to much in my life.  The one singular goal I ever had since I was a young teen was that I wanted to write a book.  I have always stopped myself from choosing that discipline because …my follow through sucked???  But here I am.  I’m going to start showing up for myself and no matter the subject, no matter the length…I will start to write that book.

For all I know, I just wrote the first page… Wish me luck…