Three, count ’em, THREE talks of divorce this week!! Not by me or for me, so stick your tongues back in and don’t go spreading rumors.

What is UP with people in my age group ending their marriages???  It breaks my heart.  But more specifically, it makes me wonder……

I don’t judge anyone who gets a divorce, because I know there are a MULTITUDE of reasons it happens.  But when I’m surrounded by it, I can’t help but reflect on my own marriage and see if we could possibly be heading in that direction ourselves at some point!  My goal of course would be to say, “NOPE….we’re good!”

But something happened along the courses of these marriages to not only break them down, but totally miss the cues that could have saved them (unless of course they were a miserable pair from the start in which case, I got ‘nuthin’!)

I know I have blogged about this before, but as I spoke to a number of people on this very subject recently, I decided to delve a bit and do some dissecting!

My personal belief for one of them is they got married too early.   And I say this, because I have seen the exact same scenario played out a couple of times!

Part of growing up is learning about your SELF.

Elementary years are all about friends and doing what our parents tell us.  Many of our opinions are formed from our parents.  Junior High years are about body changes (challenging your parents) and being awkward; and High School years are about defying your parents and seeing what you can do WITH those body changes!!!  (I mean, who hasn’t come back from a summer vacation and noticed the new bod of some jock (or previously awkward boy) who all of a sudden looks really “appealing“.)  The college years are more about developing your mind and discovering your own beliefs and learning to hone and mature your own talents.

We really don’t get to know ourselves until our 20s or so.  (Totally my opinion, don’t go looking it up in any science books, I’m strictly going on observation here!)

Now, if you are in a relationship with someone, you are more focused on “them” than yourself.  I dated all through high school and not once did I take time out for me!  It was all about my boyfriend and being with him whenever I possibly could!  I didn’t get to know myself a lick in high school.  Diversion is a great thing!

After I graduated and we broke up, I started learning more about myself.  I started taking risks that I wouldn’t have taken if I were still with my high school boyfriend.  Our relationship was based on safe choices; mostly because I was still a ‘kid’.   But after graduation, I was kind of like a horse being set free on the countryside.  I met tons of people, joined clubs, worked places, went to clubs, partied til the wee hours of the morning and dated as frequently, or infrequently as I wanted.  My first goal was to buy my own car with no help from anyone.  And when I achieved that I was elated!!  I proved to myself I could!  And with that knowledge I grew from there.  By the time I met Chris I was actually on the settling down side.  I was ready to focus on him, while knowing more about myself.

When you marry young, you have to muddle through together,making serious life decisions,  doing your best to draw upon each others wisdom to achieve goals.  And my question is; When you are young newlyweds; how much wisdom do you actually have to offer?  (again, not criticism; observation)

The idea of marriage at a young age is great.  You are young, the world is huge; you will conquer it together.  I remember feeling that way at a young age.  I also remember wanting a baby at 18 so it will love me unconditionally!!!  And in hindsight I can see that I was just at a really lonely point in my life and had I had a child, it would have further taken me away from learning about myself.  I realize in looking back that I had no idea what I was talking about.  Because now, with my children 10 and 12 and I can barely get a moment to myself…..  well, you see where I’m going!  I would be so busy tending to everything else, I would always come last and never realize it until my soul was completely empty.

There is a saying I like, “When you are busy tending to someone else’s garden (metaphor for self) , then WHO is tending to YOURS???”

But I digress…….

For my friends of early marriage and early divorce, I found a common thread in the demise;  I see that at least one of the parties outgrew the other.  And the other was completely oblivious, because they didn’t recognize the seriousness of the issues at hand, because they took for granted that the relationship had always been there, therefore, it would always be there.

As for my other friends; Infidelity took one and I’m not sure where the last one fell apart.

But my question is this; there is a huge gap between recognizing you are unhappy, and filing for divorce.  So, what filled the gap???

I  know that our wedding day is usually one of the happiest and most significant of our lives.  None of us goes in realizing that we will eventually divorce.  If we thought for a minute we would end in divorce, we wouldn’t even bother!!!

So, what happened???  When did the breakdown start happening?

I ask this question knowing that some of you might be in the middle of ‘the gap’.

As I spoke to a friend yesterday, my hunch is he will never marry again because his feeling is that marriage will inevitably equal misery.

………….doesn’t say much for the sanctity of marriage, does it?

But given his relationship history, I can’t say I blame him.

Years ago I drilled my husband about our relationship after some close friends announced their divorce.  He saw me go into a bit of a tailspin.  Though I wasn’t 100% surprised, I was still blindsided that their final decision was so quick in a dissolution of marriage.

What happened in that relationship was serious lack of communication (a trend in the divorce industry) and one partner leading a secret (well, unshared) life.

It’s all very complex, no matter how you look at it. I’m barely touching the tip of the tip of the iceberg.  But I feel the need to mention it, because I don’t believe marriage should be about suffering and sadness.  Not that marriages don’t go through that from time to time; but getting through tough times actually bonds relationships together.

And though I’m no marriage expert, I do know that marriage is a lot of work.  My husband will attest to that!  Kids tend to complicate things, because they are so needy, and as a mother or father, we address the kids and make sure they are cared for.  And many times, in the process we forget that we (the parents) came FIRST, and tend to sweep each other under the carpet as we are too tired after dealing with all the other issues in life!!  And as we are all old enough to take care of ourselves, we miss the importance of constantly staying connected with each other.

And in my humble opinion; THAT is where the GAP starts!!!!

I heard some advice after my first child was born; Congratulations; you now have TWO children!  (meaning child AND husband to care after).

Over the years I have found it to be true.  But he has to remember, it goes both ways!!!

Marriage….it’s a constant work in progress!!!

(so much more to say, but gotta get on with my day.  hopefully you get my point!)

Happy Thursday