Closure

If you think your subconscious isn’t that powerful, then can you please explain why the last two days my brain has been filled with things where I have no closure?

Literally, out of the blue, I have had 3 different dreams; all dealing with things I ‘thought’ I had settled and let go.  But my brain (or rather my dreams) tell me otherwise.

The last few days have been a little funky for me, and the fact that these things have come up again tell me that something’s going on.  I just don’t know what.

The brain is such a complex area of matter that the doctors can’t even figure it out completely.  And therapists are having a FIELD Day with all the mental issues we have going on in the world.  It’s absolutely crazy.

I know for a fact that we do need ‘closure’.  If you ever knew anyone who died and you didn’t get to say goodbye, you know what I mean.  To just be left hanging like that is a feeling of unfinished business and it never goes away.

When I was 10 years old the man over the wall passed away.  I loved this man with all my heart because he was like a grandpa to me and let me come over whenever I wanted.  I remember just sitting there at his house with my friend and we were coloring or doing who knows what; and George just sat there like a grandpa and let us ‘just be’ in his house.  I hated my house growing up.  Too much chaos.  Georges house was a sanctuary for me and it was always open.  I loved him so much that when I talk about him now my heart feels like it could explode.

When he died I didn’t find out until a few weeks later.  I got no funeral rights, nothing.  I remember asking his sister-in-law (who was in her 80s and lived next door to him), “Why didn’t you tell me?”  She simply said, “I didn’t know how”.  We were right over the wall.  She knew where we lived, but she never gave me the benefit of saying goodbye.  I was 10 years old asking this woman why, because it hurt that much!!

My world was crushed.  I remember coming into the house on that day and running straight to my dad.  He was really upset too.  He didn’t have the benefit of padding the information for his daughter.  He was dealing with pure and honest emotional devastation.  I will never forget that day.  Ever.

Years had gone by, and I would still find myself crying over his loss.  Such a void in my life.  I had never been that close to anyone.  I had dreams about him.  I’m not sure whether they were true or forced.  I just wanted to see him again.  I remember when I was 19, I cried so hard I was certain I wouldn’t recover.  And years after that, the same.

I’m not sure how it could have been different if I got a chance to say good-bye.   But I know that in my heart I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me.  And as I got older, I was able to put into words the solace this man gave me.  He was an ounce of heaven in a world of chaos.  There’s been no one like him since.

I wonder sometimes if he even knows how much my heart hurts.  I’m in tears just writing about him.

Closure is something we all need.  Our brain has to put all the pieces together before it can move on, otherwise we are stuck.  Sometimes there will be no closure and we just have to live with what we have been left with.

I know people who are truly stuck, because they just can’t move on.  And to be honest, moving on is simply a day by day process.

It’s been just over 33 years since my friend died.  My hearts still hurts like it did on that day.  I’m sure he is a peace.  I’d like to say I am, but I’m still in the process.

I guess it’s no wonder I’m having weird dreams these last few days.  I guess I need to see what I can do to deal with it and move on.

Happy Friday