Ever been a victim of your actions?
Ya….me too!
People don’t realize they react based on their emotions and end up acting out as a result. There is a saying that I use (in my mind) frequently; “Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can’t hear what you are saying!”
When someone is boldface yelling at you; yes they might be angry, but chances are there is fear underlying as they are afraid they are losing control.
It took me a lot of years to look behind the actions, but now that I see it, I can pretty much dissect what people are trying to say.
Don’t be alarmed, I’m not judging. You should have seen me the other day in the car. It was another day I lost my mother of the year award; I had dropped the girls off at dance and as I was pulling out, something was hitting on my car. It scared the crud out of me. When I looked over, it was Aspen. By the time I stopped I was half in the parking lot and half in the street. Now if you have been anywhere NEAR our studio, the traffic is crazy going in and out of there. The street is a very long street, so people tend to speed down the street without paying much attention.
As I look back, Aspen has now jumped into the car because she forgot something. Utter panic fills me as I’m looking in front of me on the street and behind me to make sure I’m not in danger of getting hit. Aspen is in the car, very casually with the door wide open rustling through her backpack to get her phone. In the meantime I’m screaming at her, “What are you DOING??? HURRY UP!!” She said, “I just need to get my phone!” I said, “OMG, SHUT THE DOOR!!” so I could pull to a safe spot. I told her we were gonna get hit and that was a fool move on her part on MANY counts!! Hitting a running car, jumping in at a completely unsafe spot, etc….. She left the car with many apologies and near tears.
I’ve realized on more than one occasion that I am NOT grace under pressure like EVER!!! If you have a heart attack in front of me, you are likely to die for all the freaking out and evaluating I will do before I decide to call 911 or administer CPR.
As I drove away from the Studio, remorse set in. I literally drove to the end of the road and pulled over and started crying.
I collected myself quickly, but I realized that her stunt put me in full panic mode. I don’t recover that quickly, but I realized my yelling was out of fear. I wasn’t anywhere NEAR angry. I was afraid. And on many levels.
From my child’s point of view, I WAS angry. But anger always stems from something underlying.
Many years ago, I had a therapist tell me, “If you look at something with interest (or curiosity) you can’t be in judgement of it at the same time!”
It’s true. When I sit back and wonder why someone is yelling at me, I have a hard time reacting to it. Because it’s more interesting to me than anything else!
We are all driven by our actions. And only a select few actually dissect what is underneath. But as I don’t want a repeat of the parking lot scene with my kid; I have to look at my actions and then explain to her where I was coming from. Kids don’t have the ability to pull it apart!
When she came home that night I asked her if she knew why I was mad and she said no. So I explained it to her. And though I cleared it up with her, I know for a fact that 10 years from now, all she will remember is what she felt when I was yelling at her. She won’t remember the circumstances OR my explanation. Because that wasnt’ as impactful as my actions toward her.
As an adult and a parent, I am still dissecting childhood occurrences. There are moments that come to me and when I look back at them, I see them through an adults eyes. And it all makes sense (whether it was right or wrong at least I get how and why it happened).
So, be aware of your actions and where they are stemming from. My husband doesn’t get that when he says something and says, “Just kidding” that I tell him, “No you weren’t!” Because if it weren’t an issue at all, it would have never come up! But it did….and he said it.
Life is this big ball of spaghetti. And we are all looking for the other end of our strand.
Good luck with that!
Happy Thursday
Mom of two grown ass girls and married to a short guy who is funny and cooks really well! I’m a photographer by trade, so you can say I’m a bit “peopley”. My favorite sessions are the one on ones where I just get to chat and find out about my clients. I’m blessed with what I get to do every day! Blessed by the support of my husband and kids, and blessed by the ongoing support and encouragement of my friends who are always lifting me up.