Respecting Differences

Earlier today I saw a post… Ironically, a blog post… so in a sense, I’m blogging about a blog post…. That’s what a good blog does… don’t you agree?

This particular post was about a woman, more specifically, a wife who realized after her husband’s death, that his irritating idiosyncrasies weren’t as big a deal as she made them out to be in life.  She talked about his piles of clothes that were left on the ground in the room.  He quickly shed them at the foot of the bed…. After his death, when she came home and saw the pile… she fell to tears wishing she had him back to make more piles….

To be honest, I kind of chuckled at that for a moment thinking in my marriage, I’m the pile maker.  And what does my husband have to put up with in me….  I kind of dismissed it after that, not because I’m insensitive…but because I am in that place in my head all the time….

As my day went on, I realized I didn’t totally dismiss it… as I kicked off my shoes in my room and threw my day clothes on the bed to quickly jump into pjs, I thought of the article. And as I sat in my office in the upstairs room working on my computer, I thought of it again as my husband practiced his guitar with his live stage amp (aka louder than you can handle) vibrating my feet… and I thought of it yet again as I sat watching a sappy love story on TV, while he went upstairs to watch something that suits him better….

And to be honest…. I realized that so much of what happens between us doesn’t bother me.  And though I’m not totally sure how HE feels… he doesn’t say much to me about my issues either….  We just… coexist!

I have to say that is the one thing that has always worked for us. I’m a slob, and he walks over my piles, he plays loud guitar and I choose to listen as I work, or I tune it out.  But I can’t imagine things being any different.  Okay…I COULD pick up a few piles here and there…and I DO really try at times….  I just happen to fall into the same patterns, and proud or not, it’s who I am….  But that said, I’m usually the one to change the lightbulbs and fix the little things in the house, so I’d like to think there is a tiny trade-off there….

That said, it got me thinking about relationships.  And what we REALLY expect from one another.

If you are living with someone in hopes that they will change… you are either not in the right relationship…or you haven’t learned to live and let live.

I had a friend who complained about her husband…. He didn’t do “this” or he didn’t do “that”…. I asked her, “When did he stop doing these things?”…..

It became silent….

She pondered my question and looked at me and said, “Well, he’s never really done it, but I need it to happen”…. I won’t lie, I was kind of blunt when I told her….. “Either you married the wrong man, or your expectations changed along the way.  And if the latter is true, then you have no right to expect your husband to switch gears and acquire new attributes.  And if you do, then shame on you!”

I won’t lie…that didn’t go over well.  But I wasn’t about to take it back.

Years ago, just before hubs came along, I dated a liar.  Pathological liar….  He lied about the stupidest stuff.  Told me he wrote a song and even wrote all the words on paper and let me hear the song.  I thought it was about me. I was so beyond proud I shared it with my family….only my brother told me that it was a published song by a semi popular band.  I told him he was wrong.  Surely he was mistaken… only then my brother started singing to the song and my heart sunk… I was devastated….

Still…I thought I could fix him with love and patience.  Over 2 years went by, and I would still catch him in lies.  I just didn’t understand it.  He never changed ……  But after I met hubs (to be), and I listened to him speak…I heard honesty in his voice that was layered with conviction and finished off with humor…  I realized then that my liar-relationship was a foundation of sand and would never grow strong…. and the more I chatted with “to be hubs”….. I heard my future… I never looked back….(suffice it to say, some differences ARE deal breakers)…

And though I didn’t LOVE ever aspect of Hubs from the beginning…. I respected who he was and knew what I was up against in our relationship.  Now, 22 years later, he really is the same person I married, with his same idiosyncrasies and a slight upgrade to 2.0 after the kids were born.  And now that we have teenagers, I dare say he’s hit a new upgrade to 3.0….

No matter the relationship, there will be differences.  You can look at the “Piles” as deal breakers… or idiosyncrasies ….  I am thankful that my hubs doesn’t call me out every time he has to walk over my shoes.  That would be so exhausting not only to hear….but to negatively anticipate.

Isn’t life hard enough without worrying about the little stuff?

Quit nit-picking and looking toward the negative and turn it around to see where all the positives are.  Nobody is perfect.  Instead of seeing the piles as a detriment….take a look from another angle and admire the shape in which it was dropped ….  Then go to your other half…give them a kiss and say, “How was your day?”