Fighting what is…..

Ever spend time wishing things were different?

IF ONLY…..

How many times have you said this in your life while rushing kids to their sports or sitting in traffic from your job that you hate, or waited at the Dr. office wondering why that guy who JUST WALKED IN gets to go FIRST???

Have you ever sat and realized how your body feels when you are sitting there thinking about it?  Did you realize there is actually a toll on your body when you are fighting against what IS???

Well…I have… for a lot of years…

And with each passing year, I think it will get better, only it gets worse, because the kids get older and have more requests and less to offer and the price of living gets higher as well as the demands on my time and the amount of people in the world and it just seems it it’s this neverending cycle of absolute batshit craziness that is determined to work me down to a NUB!!!!

And recently I realized how it’s seriously affecting my health because I’m literally fighting AGAINST what is happening WHILE it’s happening and what I have wondered is WHY????

Something is going on inside me that is a bit of a constant battle.

I remember years ago when I was a kid, something happened to me that I knew wasn’t right… a man who lived down the street violated me a bit and I was young and couldn’t articulate it, but I felt in my stomach that is wasn’t right.  It wasn’t a HUGE deal, but it wasn’t proper and all I remember is that I felt like it was wrong…..

As my kids got older, I tried to let them know that they may not always be able to articulate things, but your body will never lie when it comes to telling you something is wrong.  The problem is, most people don’t take the time to acknowledge their body’s response and therefore keep going until they decide they need therapy, because they have snapped…..

The universe is talking to you, people!!!  But I think we get so caught up in the “I can’t help it” of life that we ignore the signs!

As I boarded the plane for Hawaii for our family vacation, I told myself I would work on thinking about why I’m fighting my lot in life.

Mind you, I do NOT have a bad life….  I love my hubs and kids and have great friends!  But there are areas of my life that are pulling me down and I need to either accept what they are and go with the flow…. or make some changes that work…..

Wait WHAT?? Make some CHANGES???  OMG, HELL NO!!!  WHY would I do THAT???

Well, my friends….therein lies the problem…..

Most of us are afraid of making that change that will propel us from what we know to what we COULD be!

But WHY?

Well, that answer is for you to find.  But as I’m here on the island of Maui, I have walked into many little shops and asked where people are from…. you know what I heard???  Anywhere but here!  People have moved from all over the world to have a slice of heaven here in Hawaii….  They aren’t rich by any means, but they are happy with their choices.  They followed their hearts and took a leap of…ummmmm….leap…of…..

oh….FAITH!

They didn’t think to stop themselves.  They just realized they needed to do something and DID IT!

Recently I did something I deemed crazy…. I didn’t think….

We went for a drive out to Twin Falls because a waterfall was on my short list of what to see in Maui.  (or Hawaii as it were).  As we found the spot, my excitement mounted….  Seeing a waterfall in Maui…it was GONNA HAPPEN!!  As we made the short walk, I could hear the water rushing and it got louder as we got closer.  I could actually smell it as we turned the corner and saw it in all its gloriousness!!  I figured we’d take a quick gander and head back to the car.  But as we stood there, we started seeing people actually jump off into the water down below.  My heart started racing…. but still, I didn’t have my bathing suit, so too bad so sad.  But as I looked over at my 15 year old, I could see her excitement…. I asked her if she wanted to jump and she said “YES!”…. I blinked my eyes thinking “Oh CRAP! what do I do?”  I asked my other daughter and she was a resounding NO!  So, I told my 15 year old, “Let’s DO it!”…she said, “REALLY?”…..

and then I paused….I had no bathing suit…… BUT I HAD WATER SHOES!!!  So I said, “YA!  LET’S DO IT!”

Oh my God my heart was racing… I’m not a kid and I haven’t jumped off anything high since I was in elementary school and we got to jump off the high dive.  But still, I told her we would do it and I coulnd’t take time to think….

So we quickly changed (well, she did) and headed to the jumping point… people were going quick which was a good thing.  I didn’t want to change my mind.  I’m a bad mom and told my daughter to go first… Hopefully, I won’t burn in hell for that, but I had more confidence in her than me, and there were some good looking strong guys down there that would not hesitate to save a cutie like her, so I went with it.

She JUMPED…. and up she came and swam off to the standing point.  Then it was all eyes on me…. holy shit, no turning back… (can I still SWIM? WTF is wrong with me?)…..and I jumped…..

Let’s talk a moment about faith….

As I fell to what I was sure was my death, I felt a moment of “I have no control”….  I completely let go and let it happen.  Didn’t think about how cold the water was, or if I could swim, it was what it was….. and I had to deal with whatever happened…..

And when I hit the water and went under about 600 feet…. I came up….and swam to the standing point.  I will never forget that feeling as long as I live!!!  I did something I never thought I would do but always dreamed of!!!  And I had the pleasure of having my whole family witness it!  JOY JOY JOY!!!!

Now, granted, it wasn’t a HUMONGOUS task in life that could leave me penniless and wandering the universe looking for a home….. but it was a start to realizing that letting go can feel AMAZING!!!

We all have our journey in life and we all get to deal with our choices.  But there’s no time like the present to start listening to your body and feeling what brings you joy and what brings you down, or holds you back.

I have done a few things on this island that have given me sweaty palms and made me pray HARD that I will survive…. but I have lived through all of it and come out wondering what all the hub bub was about.  Most of it was created in my head!

I’m not getting any younger but I am getting better with age!  (well…except my body, which is kind of disintegrating, but I’m working on that too).

I need to stop fighting what is and ask myself if I need a change, or do I just need to embrace where I’m at in my life.

But I’m not going to lie…. with each thing I conquer, I’m fighting myself a little less….

Aloha…..