My last few days have been full of insight. And last night it took its toll on me. My body passed out on me! And I passed out on a FULL stomach! YUCK!!!

I cannot eat and go right to sleep. But I guess I wasn’t in control last night.

Every so often I go through reflection. Life is crazy and trying to figure out who I am and what I’m supposed to do tends to overwhelm me at times.

I’m pretty emotional and every so often, I need to pull back a bit and figure out what is going on.

Recently I havehad something weird happen, which caused me to do some research. I got some answers that I actually knew all along. But until I ‘read’ it, it didn’t have a name.

Has that ever happened to you?

I remember years ago, I was in a counseling appointment (for me, by myself, don’t draw any conclusions). I remember the counselor looking at me and asking me questions; “Have you ever read a page over and over and didn’t really ‘read’ it?” or “Do you lose focus easily and have a hard time staying on task?” (to which you ALL know the answer to that!!!) And then she told me I had ADD!!! (Big surprise, I know….you are all sitting there with your jaws open, I can feel it!)

Now, the truth is, I have pretty much always known all the symptoms and that I probably suffer with it to some degree. But when she actually put a name to all the symptoms that were all balled up in one little phrase….I broke down in tears.

I wondered how much of my life I missed due to this “diagnosis”.

Turns out that many of the coping mechanisms (aside from medication, which I chose to try, but ultimately ditched) were things I inherently did. For example; when I work, I play music that my brain has rote in my head. Since I was a kid, I played a record (you remember those, right?) OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER until I practically couldn’t hear them anymore. I have done it all my life.

And when people ask me, “Have you heard the latest song?” My answer is usually “No”, because my playlist is the same one I have had for the last 20 years.

Actually, now that I have children, I do have newer music, but when I work, I tend to resort to the same old stuff.

What does music have to do with ADD???? I’m glad you asked…….

It occupies a part of my brain that might otherwise distract me when working and helps me stay focused. However, it hasn’t mastered the Facebook override yet; I’m still working on that one……

My point is this; I knew my traits. I knew I struggled. I knew my sister would barely study and get an A or not study at all and get a B, while I would do my best to study and I’d be lucky if I scored a C!!!! I knew that all my life. But when I got the “diagnosis”, it was like a lightbulb went on and made me realize I wasn’t mentally deficient (well….actually, I like to call myself differently abled….)

How did that diagnosis change who I was? Was I now a victim? NO….Now I had something more concrete to work with to help myself be more patient when I struggled.

Years later, I realize other traits about myself that I have known for a while. But all my little traits were finally summed up into one word; Empathic. What does that word mean? It means I’m sensitive to others’ energy. Big surprise. I have known that all my life. But now, I know why I get agitated in crowds; why I have anxiety, why I can’t watch those dying animals on TV, or the pictures of the starving kids in 3rd world countries (because if I do, it takes me hours to recover from the sadness.) It also explains much of my artistic ability, my ability to read people pretty easily, my desire to throw my whole life onto the internet, and why when someone needs help, I can’t stop myself from jumping in…..(but then again, how many people fit the se criteria, right?)

Makes sense now. But doesn’t change the fact that I always knew it. It just balls it up into one little word.

It doesn’t change who I am. But makes me pause and makes me think about how many things happened in my past that I ignored or buried, because I didn’t understand.

We have to be careful, how we use diagnoses. I know some who use it as a crutch. “I can’t because I have..X..”.

A diagnosis is simply a means to move forward. It’s not something meant to hold you back.

So, what do I do going forward??? Nothing. I just won’t be so confused about certain areas of my life. And for that I feel a sense of relief!!!

Crazy, huh?

Happy Saturday