Letter to Moms

Dear Moms,

I’m not an old mom, but I’m not new either.  It’s been bothering me for a while, and finally decided to sit down and put my thoughts into a post to share amongst, “My peers”…..

Just a little backstory if you don’t know me… I’m a daughter a sister a mother and a wife.  I’m thankful to say that I have a ton of longstanding relationships and I would like to attribute that to the fact that I’m blatantly honest and don’t really care so much of what others think of me.  Although, if I’m being an asshole, I wholeheartedly expect you to tell me, and I will listen (unless PMS is involved that is…)

I’m a daughter with 4 siblings.  My parents were married until my dad passed away from cancer.  And I was pregnant with my first child when he died.  It was awful!

I’ve been a mom for 15 years now.  I have two children, both daughters.  I have been married for 17 years and we have been together for 20 and I’d like to say we are going strong, but that wasn’t always the case, and that is why I feel compelled to write today!

 

What I want to say is, if you are married… MARRIAGE IS HARD!  It’s a never ending bevy of compromise, frustration, disdain, disgust, joy, happiness, excitement, rage, hate, anger, love, passion and total compromise, all thrown together with confusion and disillusionment.

My goal today is to communicate how you are not alone.

I have been with my husband for 20 years.  And when I think back on how we started togehter, I have no idea why I ever said, “I DO!”

To put it bluntly, he was a bit of an asshole.  He was in a band and was blatant about how he would always be in a band, and I was never to try to separate him from his music.  I thought his statement was quite bold, but for some reason decided to stay.  I didn’t really care about his music, I was more put off by his tone and attitude about it.  Yet s0mehow I was to stay with said asshole and move forward in our relationship.

In hindsight I look back and realize that something inside me realized his honesty was an attribute.  And with the years together, I understood why he was so adamant with his information.  Many a woman came between his friends and their music…only to find the music ended up living longer than many of the relationships.

What I learned from this?  Respect.

As the years went on, we got married, bought a house and had kids.  There were SO many fights and tears in the midst of all this.  Marriage really IS about growing TOGETHER…. but only IF you give your spouse the benefit helping you grow.

Though there are many books on this subject, what I have found is you have your own story that can’t be compared to anyone elses.  And THAT is where I think there is a serious disconnect!

I belong to many moms groups on social media.  And the one thread that comes up time and again with young moms is, “I have doubts and need reassurance from my peers”.  And time and again the troops rally and support the moms in need.  It’s wonderful….yet heartbreaking.

Because the truth is, I think we all know the correct answers, but we look to others to help us through.  And I can’t judge that on any level, because I have TOTALLY been there…and still get there on occasion.

That said, I’m going to spew what I have learned FOR MYSELF over the last 20 years and if you take anything away from this that helps, then I’m happy!

First of all….Marriage is hard and parenting isn’t for sissies…. and they each have a unique set of dynamics that you have to learn to get through them.

With marriage there is a season to everything!

What I have found is when you first have kids, you have NO idea what you are in for.  When your child is born, you have turned in your, “I’m free to do anything at anytime” card for “I’m tied down to my child and have no life” card.

Parenting is a 24/7 job that you CANNOT hand of to anyone else.  This is now YOURS to deal with for the rest of your life!

That, in and of itself causes stress on marriage.  Each parent is now trying to get “ME TIME” on whatever level they can and it can potentially chip away at your marriage if you don’t come together and support each other at this delicate time.

I see most people divorce when the kids are under 5 years old.  This is because the demands of a child are so great that parents can hardly exist as humans, let alone as a married couple who should be in love and come together for everything!

What I have found is both parents need to strategize and realize that NO ONE IS OFF THE CLOCK WHEN KIDS ARE BORN!

Egos must be checked at the door.  There is a kid in the house that needs you!  Golf must now take a back seat, and weekends away with the girls… hahahahahahahaha…. I’m sorry, what??

As the kids get older it becomes a little easier, but not totally!  Then you start with school schedules and soccer (or in our instance, dance), snack mom, holiday treats, volunteering, pickup times etc….  And this is all on top of your daily duties.

It’s nonstop.

I’m at the point in my marriage where my kids just need an Uber driver to take them where they want to go.  But when I look back on the years of raising needy kids (and they are all needy), what I’m thankful for is a husband who was willing to pick up the slack.  To realize that I am NOT a night owl, and if they kids threw up at midnight, he will be there to hold their hair and sleep in the “triage unit” aka hall outside the bathroom, while cranky mom slept.

Over the years we have realized and appreciated each others strengths and raised our daughters accordingly.

We met in the middle with humor.  He’s a fussbucket and I’m cold hearted and make them care for themselves.  Yet he cooks dinner and I bake desserts.

I drive to and he drives from.  We realize that our childrens are OURS and not HIS or HERS….  But that reconciliation took years to negotiate.

Nothing happens by chance it happens by negotiation and communication.

And it comes by patience and forgiveness and by closing an argument together so that you can move on…together…..

My parents were married until death do us part.  And I won’t lie, there were times I thought they would be better apart.  But what they taught me is things worth having don’t come easy.  They come with hard work and dedication.

Sadly, in todays world, we are feeling more entitled to have and less entitled to earn.  And the fallout comes on our children who have to suffer the consequences of poor communication and lacking dedication.

All that said, I know some relationships just can’t work.  I’m not speaking for the masses, I’m speaking for those who are doubting if their relationship is worth holding on to.  There are always dealbreakers in a relationship – that “Out clause” that you should adhere to if you are in danger.  But most breakups I see are simply because the communication was so poor that the relationship had no foundation to stand on.

A relationship built on sand will crumble…

Good communication and honesty is a good step to creating a good foundation.  Sprinkle it with compromise, understanding and forgiveness and you are on your way….

Life isn’t always easy, but if you put in the effort, it will definitely be worth it.