This time of year brings up so many memories of the past.  It can be such a hard time of year, I have struggled many times myself over the years.  I lost my dad when I was pregnant with my first child.  I stood by my dad’s bed, 5 months pregnant with his granddaughter and watched him breathe his last breath.  It was awful and powerful at the same time.

Yes, I was sad, but I also got to witness him at peace.  He was rarely at peace.  What good father is?  If they aren’t working to pay the bills, or trying to juggle family in all directions, they worry about their children and their futures….

As I raise my daughters, who are so like me and my sister, it’s scary… I see the struggles my dad had… mostly about me.  My sister was totally fine (or at least she always seemed that way as she powered through life doing exactly what was expected of her….).

No…I was the wayward child….  Anything my parents told me, I’d do the exact opposite.

I remember the day he’d made a comment about my future and said, “Maybe she’d be better at a trade school”….  God, I thought he gave up on me at that point….  but in reality, I think he was finally seeing me for who I was and still, with his undying devotion to his family, was trying to figure out where I fit in with life.  How would I get by.  Would I make it, or just flounder through life, struggling….

When I graduated High School on a Thursday, already determined I wasn’t going to college… I had a job lined up at a bank.   I was starting that next Monday….  So that weekend, he took me to the LA garment district and bought me 5 of the smartest outfits we could find.  He was so proud… he even bought me a set of pearls, which I really didn’t want, but after we spent time learning the delicate process of how pearls are created and how timeless they are, I was the proudest pearl owner ever….

I started my bank job and quit after a year.  My dad was incensed… “WHY DID YOU QUIT?” I said to him simply, “I wasn’t happy!”…. to which I think I saw his head spin as he yelled at me, “WHO GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY??”

I was dumbfounded…..

Only years later, I would understand exactly where he was coming from as I have these same conversations with my now teenage girls.  Kids have it way too easy these days.  Gone are the days of independence and now are the days of total dependence and helicopter parents….

But I digress……

As this holiday approaches, I find myself a bit nostalgic, wondering what to do for the girls…  I mean, they seriously have everything they need…  And their want list is so long, I don’t know where to start…  So I walked away from it… and I started looking at my girls.. and I started remembering my dad….

As I raise my girls now, I see where he was coming from.  I’m thankful to still have mom, but I’m constantly left wondering about dad, and filling the gap since he passed.  His words stopped at “I love you love you love you…” And so my time is spent in recollection and reflection.

Thankfully, I have never felt far from him.  He’s around and I know it.  And sometimes when I’m yelling at my girls like he used to yell at me, I find myself chuckling inside, knowing he’s getting a kick out of it all….

It’s no secret to those who know me that during this time of year, I tend to lose myself a bit and live in disdain for the dreaded “To Do” lists of the season. It’s not my style.  I don’t like buying things for myself, so how can I put effort into thinking about everyone else.  I mean, I don’t even know what my husband likes on his pizza, or if he’s even eating pizza anymore.  It’s just not my thing…

But as I have recently taken pause, I’m finding myself a bit grateful.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have those memories.  I have my girls, my husband, our lovely home and two mischievous creatures with four legs…  I have extended family and friends.  I realize how I see my kids like my dad saw us.  I see I married a man who provides for our family like my dad provided for me.  We work well together as parents.  He picks up where I left off, just like my parents did for us….

We are continuing with Christmas traditions that we had growing up.

It would be nice if we could live forever, but it’s just not in the cards.  We don’t get to choose … We just have to have faith and live in the moment and appreciate what we have now.

Today is all we have.  And if we give during the season, from our hearts… the gift itself doesn’t matter.

 

For this day, we have the gift of time… this moment only…. and you get to choose what to do with it.  Just for this moment….  Too many recent events have shown us that our lives can change in an instant.

So take this season, and really make it count.  And always remember to be kind…  Kindness is always free….

Happy Thursday!